WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE LOVE CHALLENGED

WHEN YOU ARE  LOVE CHALLENGED

There’s an art to loving well.

But loving like that doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't magically happen. 

Can a person learn to love who wasn’t loved in childhood? I was loved as a child as were my siblings so any answer I produce in response to the question is not from my own personal experience other than a problematic marriage.

I’ve read a lot of books from a variety of perspectives and experiences that touch on this subject. Love is tricky. You can’t make yourself love just because you want to, and I don’t mean 'making love.'

You can’t fake it till you make it. 

Love comes from within. Love originates inside intrinsically, and from outside, like in parent--child bonding. Trust and distrust are learned relational behaviors.

An infant, toddler, preschooler, gradeschooler, and teenager are all sensitive to their environment. Gaps form from constant neglect, abuse, emotional injury and deprivation. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Back to the original question, can you learn to love when you weren’t loved? Here’s my take. I believe it is possible. It depends on several factors falling into place, which includes doing the hard work.

How so? 

You have to want to love.  You have to chase it by dealing with your past, sorting it out, letting God help you, and learning all you can that is helpful, non addictive, healthy and healing.

At best, learning to love is a slow journey. Having God in your life is the best thing you have going for you. God is love. His love is transformative. He heals in watershed moments, in layers of healing that transpire in segments over time. You were damaged in layers, you heal in layers.

I’ve known and know of people who now love well but weren’t loved in their pasts. They’ve traveled a journey to change it up. It wasn't easy. They had to give up self-protective behaviors and addictions, manipulative and self-serving relationships.

Their stunted lives blossomed. 

They’ve had deep healing. Their empathy for others on the journey is remarkable. Their demons no longer haunt them. Most are in a community that understands, loves, and is supportive.

Learning to love well is worth pursuing, however long it takes.
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Photo by Tim Mossholder, Unsplash

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

Dunrobin Castle, Scotland

Christian life is one of progressive spiritual awareness.

 

What in your life needs God’s help ? 

Prayer and planning are powerful tools that help us. We ask for God to guide us as we heal, strengthen, and restore. Maybe we need to release something or someone to His care. Movement forward takes a willingness on our part.

Change what is in your ability to change. Invite God to help you and to go through it with you. Healing of hurts or whatever the issue when addressed through God’s loving intervention prevents you from being filled with resentful bitterness and keeps you from remaining in a wounded state.

I think it’s much like carrying a burden that weighs you down but is unseen by others. Most don’t know what wounds you bear, but God does. He knows your internal suffering and your worries and fears.

One of the nice thing about a relationship with God is He knows us through and through. He knows our concerns and what we bear. When God goes before us He enters the battle to help us overcome and to set us free.

 

The battle belongs to the Lord.

We may not like the imagery but for me it is like a fortress that protects a castle. God is our protector and helper. God never leaves us or forsakes us. We may not be aware of His presence all the time but that’s intentional. He wants us to grow strong in our faith.

We learn to trust through our faith, not by our sight. I’ve had some scary situations where I was in need and I called on God. I was all alone and afraid. I made it out okay. He got me through the difficulty by providing what I needed at just the right time. It was in answer to my prayers.

Deep growth comes according to God’s timetable and our willingness to deal with our struggles. I wouldn’t want you to think it’s easy to move forward for it’s not. Healing and change come in layers. I encourage you to trust God in every situation. Call on Him and He will be found.

Keep moving forward and never stop.
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Photo by Colin Horn, Unsplash

What to Do When You're Broken, Wounded, and Discouraged

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:7

God's way is perfect, converting the soul.

A person’s spiritual health needs to regain its balance in the aftermath of broken relationships. It is an untidy business. One has to navigate through a complicated maze of thoughts and feelings to sort out what is true and what is not true about the other person, ourselves, and any contributing factors. Getting past self-pity and stinking-thinking is needful for a healthier spiritual self.

The microscope of God is uncomfortable but necessary for a spirit-led recovery. Many prefer to not go there. They wear blinders and put up a facade, a pretense that says, I’m okay. Though they may not realize it, they exhibit a false front, a projection of wholeness that isn't quite true. It soon derails. The deadness will remain. Life will dry up. What to do?

Pain has a way of numbing reactions which circumvents the ability to move forward. You can get lost in the hurt. There are times when loss is so devastating that you are upended, unable to carry on. All you can do is cry out to God. That place of brokenness is where it starts.

At this point it is essential to release your needs and desires to God that you might access his healing grace and divine intervention. Lifting your prayers in openness and brokenness is something God uses to unfold a master plan for our lives. God knows what we need—and he will provide it. He binds wounds and heals hearts. God doesn’t waste anything.

A stronger spirit life is something we receive as we draw from the deep well of God. He has resources to help us restore, renew and revitalize.

In making something new out of something broken,
-God gives us friends and mentors to guide and encourage,
     -scripture and writings to  teach and illuminate, 
            -prayer and meditation to comfort and console. 
God uses these to transform our life into a masterpiece of rare beauty. Trust God to do this for you.

Dear Father God, when I am weak you are strong. I ask for strength to carry on and the courage to move forward.

Healing of Painful Memories

Healing is a Tender Mercy

 

And with his stripes we are healed. --Isaiah 53:5

You don't have to live this way anymore. God has a remedy for your pain.

HEALING comes in increments through watershed moments. Healing often starts with the wistful desire that says, I don’t want to live like this anymore. There is a pressing need for healing for those who have suffered broken relationships or divorce.

Painful memories are an unwelcome burden that keeps on giving. We think we are doing fairly well until an upset reduces us to tears or angst, again, and quickly plunges the thoughts back into a cesspool of injured emotions What to do?

Pain can be submerged for years. I was a master at it. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I did not know what it was. I was working faithfully in my church and at keeping my marriage together. Though there had been some major upsets, I carried on like a brave soul. Then the bottom dropped out. I lost my job and my mate in the same week. The trauma affected my children and me.

A rough year ensued. I sought God with great intention. In time I figured it out—what was wrong with me and why I never was happy. The problem wasn't too surprising, once I could see it. The problem was, I never knew what to do with the pain that was in me. My calm religious bearing had hidden the residual pain in ways I'd not realized. I thought I had been doing all the right things because I was faithful to God.

God’s Word spoke. I listened and journaled. I prayed and meditated. I specifically asked God to heal me in my emotions. Then I waited.

One day I was praying as I walked. A memory played in my thoughts. It was of the first time I was told that I wasn’t loved by my mate, some twenty years before. I asked God, “Is this one of the memories You want to heal?” Tears ran down my cheeks. The pain still lived. The feelings returned of not being wanted or loved.

An answering thought came immediately, "By my stripes you are healed." I pictured Christ on the cross bearing my pain, hurting when I hurt, suffering when I suffered. Christ entered into my sufferings. His presence was real. I thanked and praised Him.. Days later I noticed something different in me. Something was absent. Then I knew what it was. My inner sorrowing was completely gone. I no longer felt like weeping. God had answered my prayer.

I wish this tender mercy of God to heal your damaged emotions. I know it is possible. 

Dear Father God, for my many sisters and brothers who suffer in silence, I ask you to touch their wounded souls and give them peace.

Spiritual Cleansing: Forgiveness, Sorrow and Repentance

Looking in the Mirror

  Godly grief produces a repentance 

that leads to salvation without regret.

2 Corinthians 7:10

Forgiving others may lead to an awareness of missteps on our own part. 

FORGIVENESS comes when a right attitude is present. Saying the words. I forgive you, may mean little or a lot. It all depends. Are they heart-felt or unfelt, meant as truth or to appease, true words or false?

Forgiving has everything to do with
-the heart’s motivation,
     -the mind’s attitude,
           -the soul’s condition.

Unfair, unkind, or unloving treatment is quite difficult to release, let alone, to forgive! Harbored bitterness and resentments are a catalyst. They create unhealthy bonds to the person or said event where one was wronged, which resulted in an inability to live free. What to do?

True forgiveness takes a willingness to surrender the offense combined with an act of God’s mercy. In addition, we must ask God to reveal the truth about our own-self, where there is unforgiveness, ungratefulness, and bitterness in us.

Not only does one forgive the offender for their offense, but one should also acknowledge their own offenses.. They look to the past as they acknowledge any acts of unkindness or where they intentionally or unintentionally withheld acceptance, approval, and support. God uses his mirror of truth to reflect his image and to reveal any duplicit behavior in us. He desires us to be pure vessels for His service.

Sorrow for pain we have caused is another step toward true healing. It happened to me. God purified me through a process.

I was in a world of pain after my my mate left and our marriage disintegrated. It was easy to cast blame, but I was blind to my own actions. God began to reveal my part through the Spirit's bringing it to my awareness. It was as if God brought to the forefront the ways I had caused pain to my ex-mate, albeit unknowingly.

This caused a deep sorrow within me. I remembered those times I did not speak words of appreciation for gifts or deeds, which caused my tears to flow in unstoppable streams. I knew that I must speak words of apology and seek forgiveness.

A rich cleansing took place as godly sorrow which leads to repentance purified my inner person. It changed me. An amazing peace entered. I was free.

Dear Father God, you are so good to us. You redeem the past to set us free.

Don't Fret or be Afraid, God is Always with You

A Hope and a Promise after Divorce

He will be with you, he will not leave you or forsake you.... Deuteronomy 31:8

Divorce devastates. Rejection injures. God helps. God heals. He is our security.

REJECTION has the power to spew injurious messages in the wounded person. When a marriage is ripped apart, negative emotions ravage the mind’s sensitivities. It can leave a person gasping, struggling to make sense of what happened. Divorce smashes the dream that once shone so brightly and leaves destruction in its wake.

There are many ways to absorb these internal hurts. Some bury their feelings. Others unleash volleys of red-hot attacks. Some become overwhelmed by loss and grief. A few walk away in denial, never looking back.

Unwelcome intruders jump on the emotional bandwagon. Resentment and bitterness visit in the quiet hours. Anger and spite seek payback with a vindictiveness that sabotages efforts at joy and happiness.

Sorrow and sadness become a cloak of gloom that is difficult to lift. Depression and discouragement may rob children of the home they once had that is now just a wistful dream. It is hard. The devastation of divorce will have repercussions and outfall. What to do?

If this is you, you are stronger than you think. All is not hopeless even when it may seem so. For you see, it is not the end of the story. Life goes on. The person must go on with it. Once the shock wears off and pain is managed, then it becomes possible to learn, change, and grow. It takes time, patience, and hard work to recover from injured self-perceptions and personal loss before one is able to live again.

We are not alone. God strengthens us when we feel weak. He holds us when we are weary. He guides us when we are confused, struggling with our present and fearful of our future. Our heavenly Father promises to never leave us, though the aloneness seems almost unbearable. He is true and steady. Gentle is his healing balm and loving grace. God is here.

Dear Father God, you are my comfort and peace, an ever present help in times of trouble. I’m so glad.

The New Year Starts Well

2019

What's New, 2019

My word for last year was "structure."  2018 ended up being anything but structured. I had high hopes of finishing my various writing projects. Nada. I did get a couple new manuscripts completed though not fully edited. But I did learn something. I learned to go with the flow.

This year? Not so sure. I'm considering a couple of words but not settled on either one. I have one New Year's Resolution, though.  I will keep it to myself for the time being. It's a spiritual discipline, which I intend to be vigilant in keeping regardless of circumstances, Lord willing.

I want to enjoy 2019. I choose to be on the happy side. I 'will' myself to be positive in spirit. The rest will take care of itself. With a cheerful attitude and a 'giving' mindset, and with God's intervention and enabling, it's going to be a good year. 

 

2018, Year in Review

One big positive happened in 2018. I lost 20# last year. I am going for another 20# in 2019. Starting to wear some of the clothing I wore as a teacher back in 2012. Becoming less active physically as a writer was not good for me. I was ignoring my overall physical health.

Changes were needed. Health improvement and its maintenance are becoming a priority with me. It feels pretty nice to be losing weight instead of gaining it.

We also lost Mom. She is with her heavenly family now. I especially missed her during the holidays. I was sensitive to her missing presence as I cooked and prepared the dishes and decor. My mother was at her happiest when entertaining family. I'm glad she is now at peace. Rest In Peace, dear Mama.

Northern California's fires made for suffering and loss. I drove in the dark cloud of ash that day. It was scary around here. In 2018, national crises were playing out as they did, which also caused pain and unpleasantness. The good that came in response was from people helping each other, 'The Helpers' as Mr. Rogers liked to call them. Kind and resilent, we overcame and went forth.

 

And Now What?

I like fresh starts and new beginnings. The beginning of a new year is all that. These days I'm helping my dad a fair amount. I call myself Dad's Personal Assistant. This role keeps me in balance and not so self-focused.

In addition, my friends and I drink a lot of coffee while having one-on-one conversations at one of our homes, or New Earth Market, Starbucks, Maple Garden. I'm thankful they want to meet with me. Our conversations are meaty. Sharing our hearts with each other brings out the best in us.

 

Life is Good. 

You all are wonderful. Thanks for reading my blog. I hope you are well. I can't complain. Now, on to more to be discovered. I'm ready.

How about you?

HEALING OF PAINS FROM THE PAST

No matter how long ago it happened, you have to yield yourself to God's way in order to heal a trauma. A year after my husband left me and the family, I decided to ask God for healing. This was my own idea. No one encouraged me to go there. I was broken inside but alive in God. I was open to healing if that was something I needed. I didn't know what to expect but I trusted God to do what only he could do.

Teacher picture in those days.

God took me at my word. A few days later memories began to surface, usually after an intense time in the word and in prayer. I only prayed the prayer once, but I guess that's all God was waiting for me to do. I was seeking intimacy in my relationship with God. I had been pursuing God with no holds barred. My life was changing as a result of my new found openness with God. God helped me heal and returned peace to my soul.

Here is a segment written in my first journal from during that time of upheaval and renewal.

JOURNAL 1 -- 2003 

Most days I walk in the orchard for exercise and as a time of renewal. This morning, while in the orchard I talked with God about the spiritual desire I have to walk through the pains of the past, to give them to Him, to let go of them, to have them change from a wound to a scar. 

I cannot do this on my own. I don’t even know how to allow Him to lift and free me from their power, to release them.  I asked for His help in doing this. 

To begin this process of walking through the pains of the past and remembering their hurt and then offering them to God; I went back to the beginning. I began to remember those first few weeks of marriage when I realized that my husband and I were not going to have the close marriage fellowship I had envisioned, how I had felt the lack of bonding together--and the aloneness I felt.  

I remembered how at the time I realized that my marriage was probably a big mistake, and how I regretted my choice.  I also remembered my determination to put my marriage in God’s hands.  For 21 years that was the way it had been.

I allowed myself to feel, to remember that terrible day, when my first born was a baby, when my husband told me he was leaving because it just wasn’t working out, how he didn’t love me or have feelings for me, how he had not really wanted to marry me, the doubts he had before we wed.   

The pain of these memories was so intense that I wept so hard my heart just hurt.  I asked God to release me from their pain.  I felt exhausted, depleted of all energy.  After the tears subsided the beauty of the trees and creation spoke to me.  As I stood there the memory of the biblical character Job--and his intense suffering and faithfulness--touched me.   

I want to listen for His communion when I finish this."

By giving my hurts to God, I was able to access his healing grace. The sorrow and suffering left my inner being and never returned. A redemptive touch of God met my need and healed me. My wounds became a trophy of God's tender touch making me anew.

Life is tremendously different ever since that day. God set me free and began to shape me. I am grateful. 

My full story can be found here in two audio segments of pain and healing. May God minister to your heart through them. 

Please share my testimony with someone God puts on your heart.

Blessings, my friend. 

I welcome any comments.