WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE LOVE CHALLENGED

WHEN YOU ARE  LOVE CHALLENGED

There’s an art to loving well.

But loving like that doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't magically happen. 

Can a person learn to love who wasn’t loved in childhood? I was loved as a child as were my siblings so any answer I produce in response to the question is not from my own personal experience other than a problematic marriage.

I’ve read a lot of books from a variety of perspectives and experiences that touch on this subject. Love is tricky. You can’t make yourself love just because you want to, and I don’t mean 'making love.'

You can’t fake it till you make it. 

Love comes from within. Love originates inside intrinsically, and from outside, like in parent--child bonding. Trust and distrust are learned relational behaviors.

An infant, toddler, preschooler, gradeschooler, and teenager are all sensitive to their environment. Gaps form from constant neglect, abuse, emotional injury and deprivation. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Back to the original question, can you learn to love when you weren’t loved? Here’s my take. I believe it is possible. It depends on several factors falling into place, which includes doing the hard work.

How so? 

You have to want to love.  You have to chase it by dealing with your past, sorting it out, letting God help you, and learning all you can that is helpful, non addictive, healthy and healing.

At best, learning to love is a slow journey. Having God in your life is the best thing you have going for you. God is love. His love is transformative. He heals in watershed moments, in layers of healing that transpire in segments over time. You were damaged in layers, you heal in layers.

I’ve known and know of people who now love well but weren’t loved in their pasts. They’ve traveled a journey to change it up. It wasn't easy. They had to give up self-protective behaviors and addictions, manipulative and self-serving relationships.

Their stunted lives blossomed. 

They’ve had deep healing. Their empathy for others on the journey is remarkable. Their demons no longer haunt them. Most are in a community that understands, loves, and is supportive.

Learning to love well is worth pursuing, however long it takes.
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Photo by Tim Mossholder, Unsplash

HEALING OF PAINS FROM THE PAST

No matter how long ago it happened, you have to yield yourself to God's way in order to heal a trauma. A year after my husband left me and the family, I decided to ask God for healing. This was my own idea. No one encouraged me to go there. I was broken inside but alive in God. I was open to healing if that was something I needed. I didn't know what to expect but I trusted God to do what only he could do.

Teacher picture in those days.

God took me at my word. A few days later memories began to surface, usually after an intense time in the word and in prayer. I only prayed the prayer once, but I guess that's all God was waiting for me to do. I was seeking intimacy in my relationship with God. I had been pursuing God with no holds barred. My life was changing as a result of my new found openness with God. God helped me heal and returned peace to my soul.

Here is a segment written in my first journal from during that time of upheaval and renewal.

JOURNAL 1 -- 2003 

Most days I walk in the orchard for exercise and as a time of renewal. This morning, while in the orchard I talked with God about the spiritual desire I have to walk through the pains of the past, to give them to Him, to let go of them, to have them change from a wound to a scar. 

I cannot do this on my own. I don’t even know how to allow Him to lift and free me from their power, to release them.  I asked for His help in doing this. 

To begin this process of walking through the pains of the past and remembering their hurt and then offering them to God; I went back to the beginning. I began to remember those first few weeks of marriage when I realized that my husband and I were not going to have the close marriage fellowship I had envisioned, how I had felt the lack of bonding together--and the aloneness I felt.  

I remembered how at the time I realized that my marriage was probably a big mistake, and how I regretted my choice.  I also remembered my determination to put my marriage in God’s hands.  For 21 years that was the way it had been.

I allowed myself to feel, to remember that terrible day, when my first born was a baby, when my husband told me he was leaving because it just wasn’t working out, how he didn’t love me or have feelings for me, how he had not really wanted to marry me, the doubts he had before we wed.   

The pain of these memories was so intense that I wept so hard my heart just hurt.  I asked God to release me from their pain.  I felt exhausted, depleted of all energy.  After the tears subsided the beauty of the trees and creation spoke to me.  As I stood there the memory of the biblical character Job--and his intense suffering and faithfulness--touched me.   

I want to listen for His communion when I finish this."

By giving my hurts to God, I was able to access his healing grace. The sorrow and suffering left my inner being and never returned. A redemptive touch of God met my need and healed me. My wounds became a trophy of God's tender touch making me anew.

Life is tremendously different ever since that day. God set me free and began to shape me. I am grateful. 

My full story can be found here in two audio segments of pain and healing. May God minister to your heart through them. 

Please share my testimony with someone God puts on your heart.

Blessings, my friend. 

I welcome any comments.