FOR FATHERS, SONS & DAUGHTERS ON FATHER'S DAY

My Dad and Son working together in the orchard.

In 2012 Pastor Pete asked me to speak for the Sunday sermon on Father's Day. I'd had a couple students wounded by their fathers that year. One teenage girl had seen her family split up as a result of something her mother had done. After which her father moved to Texas. She told me that when she called her father he told her to never call him again. It was breaking her heart. 

    
A fourth grade boy burst out crying in class, sobbing his heart out. I took him aside and asked if something had happened at recess; he said no, that wasn't it, "It's just I miss my dad. I haven't seen him in a long time. I don’t ever get to see him anymore." I talked to Mom and learned that Dad had left them a few months before, moved to Oregon, and he hadn't seen his son since. Those were two of many stories I'd heard over the years, at least one a year. Children get broken hearts. Many have father wounds. 

 “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you… know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in haven give good things to those who ask him!”*


I taught from the passage about how human fathers, being good fathers, give bread, not a stone, to their children, how Father God gives good gifts to his children. I talked about how one man, a man I had recently dated, had told me I was too hard on my son, a then senior in high school, and that I expected him to be perfect. He said I needed to let my son grow up and find his own way, and that I needed to believe in my son. His words shocked me.

Sons, SIL, and Grandsons

The next day I asked Son 3 if he thought I was too hard on him. He asked why I was asking. I told him what my BF had said to me. Son 3 paused, and then spoke carefully, "Yes. I think you're too hard on me. I think you're too hard on all of us. We're good kids compared to most kids." The next time my BF came to visit, Son 3 stuck around. He even sat with us in church, which was not the norm. My son felt validated, understood, and respected. That was significant for both of us. My BF had acted like a good father, noticing my son's frustration and by being his advocate. (Son 3 is second from left in the picture)

People's Stories

We don't know other people's stories. One Father's Day I said to the smiley grocery clerk, one of my favorites because of his friendliness, "If this applies, Happy Father's Day." He looked at me, paused, seemed lost in thought, like when you bring back a memory. He said quietly. "I haven’t thought about that in a long time. Yes, I was a father once. She passed away 21 years ago." I felt like a fool and mumbled, "I'm sorry." He gave a sideways grin like 'things happen.' I walked out of the store feeling different, sad, sorry I'd said anything but changed by that brief exchange. 

Father Wounds

 

If you don't have a father or you had a dad who wasn't available or wasn’t what he should have been, today may have some weirdness or pain attached to it. I wish it had been different for you. I don't know if this helps but I can truthfully say, your Heavenly Father loves you. He cares for you. He does. You are loved by a father who understands you.

My daughter and son-in-law with their 4 biological and 4 foster children

It is like "Father Knows Best" when my son-in-law comes home. All the kids run to him, jabbering a mile a minute. The two youngest foster children always say, "Hi Daddy," and he always responds by saying their names, "Hi 'Ariel' Hi 'Jenny'" even when they repeatedly say it. He is a hands-on daddy who, along with my daughter, parents intentionally. It’s a blessing to watch them do this thing.

Thank you to all fathers on this Fathers Day. You are more important than you will ever know. Your love and care means everything to your kids, and it will be remembered, if not now, in the future. God bless you.

For those fathers who have a hard time being a father: It is never too late to work at being a good father. It will always matter. You matter. Look for ways to speak life to your kids. Acknowledge where you messed up, where you failed them. Apologize. Say you're sorry, but only if you mean it. Repent. Give it some time. Let God do His perfect work in you and your children. God bless you.

For adult sons and daughters with father wounds: Your wound can heal, can cease giving you pain, until it is more like a scar and no longer something that angers you. It is an important area in you to pay attention to. Emotional wounding is that way. You can't change your father but you can change you. Father God will help you if you ask Him to. I promise you, He will. I wish you well in this. God bless you.

*Matthew 7:9-11 NIV

THE SONG OF A SOUL SET FREE

THE GOOD

You have only one life.

I have shared my life with you that it might shed light on the past, on the present, and on the richness of living an intimate life with the Triune God. Life has much to offer the human race.

Life would pass you by without making a dent on your soul, should you not open your heart to the beauty of the natural world, the inner world, and the God world. 

All three impact your soul.

Darkness and evil have tried to choke out the goodness in life like how weeds choke out a fruit bearing crop. One has to push back, fight against the wrong to encourage the right, the best.

What I have written is my attempt to brighten the corner where I am so that it might brighten the corner where you are. Your conscience will be awakened or it will be darkened. 

It is up to you.

Influences impact choices. Choices impact futures. Futures impact the world to come. I think life is worth fighting for, and the future is worth saving. True good gives goodness to the world.

All the natural goods are gifts from God that make life one of beauty. Injuries, hardships, and pain come to everyone. Joy, peace, and love offset life’s tragedies as hope springs eternal. 

A life awakened to God is the song of a soul enlivened and set free.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE LOVE CHALLENGED

WHEN YOU ARE  LOVE CHALLENGED

There’s an art to loving well.

But loving like that doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't magically happen. 

Can a person learn to love who wasn’t loved in childhood? I was loved as a child as were my siblings so any answer I produce in response to the question is not from my own personal experience other than a problematic marriage.

I’ve read a lot of books from a variety of perspectives and experiences that touch on this subject. Love is tricky. You can’t make yourself love just because you want to, and I don’t mean 'making love.'

You can’t fake it till you make it. 

Love comes from within. Love originates inside intrinsically, and from outside, like in parent--child bonding. Trust and distrust are learned relational behaviors.

An infant, toddler, preschooler, gradeschooler, and teenager are all sensitive to their environment. Gaps form from constant neglect, abuse, emotional injury and deprivation. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Back to the original question, can you learn to love when you weren’t loved? Here’s my take. I believe it is possible. It depends on several factors falling into place, which includes doing the hard work.

How so? 

You have to want to love.  You have to chase it by dealing with your past, sorting it out, letting God help you, and learning all you can that is helpful, non addictive, healthy and healing.

At best, learning to love is a slow journey. Having God in your life is the best thing you have going for you. God is love. His love is transformative. He heals in watershed moments, in layers of healing that transpire in segments over time. You were damaged in layers, you heal in layers.

I’ve known and know of people who now love well but weren’t loved in their pasts. They’ve traveled a journey to change it up. It wasn't easy. They had to give up self-protective behaviors and addictions, manipulative and self-serving relationships.

Their stunted lives blossomed. 

They’ve had deep healing. Their empathy for others on the journey is remarkable. Their demons no longer haunt them. Most are in a community that understands, loves, and is supportive.

Learning to love well is worth pursuing, however long it takes.
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Photo by Tim Mossholder, Unsplash

WHY IT PAYS TO BE SELF-AWARE

SELF - AWARENESS PAYS OFF

You can have a wrong belief about yourself.

I used to believe I had little to offer. I didn’t think I was talented or smart enough. I was wrong. I’ve learned differently. God uses what you have and He grows it. 

You blossom under God's care.

 
THE PROBLEM

The problem surfaces when we are too focused on others’ so-called ‘perfect’ lives. We view others’ successes and accomplishments as better than our own. 

We can view ourselves as “less than.”

We begin to doubt ourselves when there are too many defeats and personal struggles. What we perceive as a failure and defeat may just be a closed door.

But it may be an opportunity for personal growth.

Zoom out and take a bird’s eye view of the whole matter. What do you see? Realistic expectations? Unrealistic expectations? Impatience? 

Are circumstances beyond your control?

THE SOLUTION 

 

Figure out what is true about the circumstance.

The simple formula is doable: learn, grow, and do your best. The requirement is to persevere, make wise decisions, plan ahead, and become resourceful.

Do the hard work and give it your best.

I’ll add one more essential for intentional Christians. Do what God shows, leads and provides. A good thing becomes a bad thing if God isn’t in it. If God says “Stop,” you know what to do.

Simply put, you stop and don't fret or question it.

You bloom where you are planted.