FOR FATHERS, SONS & DAUGHTERS ON FATHER'S DAY

My Dad and Son working together in the orchard.

In 2012 Pastor Pete asked me to speak for the Sunday sermon on Father's Day. I'd had a couple students wounded by their fathers that year. One teenage girl had seen her family split up as a result of something her mother had done. After which her father moved to Texas. She told me that when she called her father he told her to never call him again. It was breaking her heart. 

    
A fourth grade boy burst out crying in class, sobbing his heart out. I took him aside and asked if something had happened at recess; he said no, that wasn't it, "It's just I miss my dad. I haven't seen him in a long time. I don’t ever get to see him anymore." I talked to Mom and learned that Dad had left them a few months before, moved to Oregon, and he hadn't seen his son since. Those were two of many stories I'd heard over the years, at least one a year. Children get broken hearts. Many have father wounds. 

 “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you… know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in haven give good things to those who ask him!”*


I taught from the passage about how human fathers, being good fathers, give bread, not a stone, to their children, how Father God gives good gifts to his children. I talked about how one man, a man I had recently dated, had told me I was too hard on my son, a then senior in high school, and that I expected him to be perfect. He said I needed to let my son grow up and find his own way, and that I needed to believe in my son. His words shocked me.

Sons, SIL, and Grandsons

The next day I asked Son 3 if he thought I was too hard on him. He asked why I was asking. I told him what my BF had said to me. Son 3 paused, and then spoke carefully, "Yes. I think you're too hard on me. I think you're too hard on all of us. We're good kids compared to most kids." The next time my BF came to visit, Son 3 stuck around. He even sat with us in church, which was not the norm. My son felt validated, understood, and respected. That was significant for both of us. My BF had acted like a good father, noticing my son's frustration and by being his advocate. (Son 3 is second from left in the picture)

People's Stories

We don't know other people's stories. One Father's Day I said to the smiley grocery clerk, one of my favorites because of his friendliness, "If this applies, Happy Father's Day." He looked at me, paused, seemed lost in thought, like when you bring back a memory. He said quietly. "I haven’t thought about that in a long time. Yes, I was a father once. She passed away 21 years ago." I felt like a fool and mumbled, "I'm sorry." He gave a sideways grin like 'things happen.' I walked out of the store feeling different, sad, sorry I'd said anything but changed by that brief exchange. 

Father Wounds

 

If you don't have a father or you had a dad who wasn't available or wasn’t what he should have been, today may have some weirdness or pain attached to it. I wish it had been different for you. I don't know if this helps but I can truthfully say, your Heavenly Father loves you. He cares for you. He does. You are loved by a father who understands you.

My daughter and son-in-law with their 4 biological and 4 foster children

It is like "Father Knows Best" when my son-in-law comes home. All the kids run to him, jabbering a mile a minute. The two youngest foster children always say, "Hi Daddy," and he always responds by saying their names, "Hi 'Ariel' Hi 'Jenny'" even when they repeatedly say it. He is a hands-on daddy who, along with my daughter, parents intentionally. It’s a blessing to watch them do this thing.

Thank you to all fathers on this Fathers Day. You are more important than you will ever know. Your love and care means everything to your kids, and it will be remembered, if not now, in the future. God bless you.

For those fathers who have a hard time being a father: It is never too late to work at being a good father. It will always matter. You matter. Look for ways to speak life to your kids. Acknowledge where you messed up, where you failed them. Apologize. Say you're sorry, but only if you mean it. Repent. Give it some time. Let God do His perfect work in you and your children. God bless you.

For adult sons and daughters with father wounds: Your wound can heal, can cease giving you pain, until it is more like a scar and no longer something that angers you. It is an important area in you to pay attention to. Emotional wounding is that way. You can't change your father but you can change you. Father God will help you if you ask Him to. I promise you, He will. I wish you well in this. God bless you.

*Matthew 7:9-11 NIV

SHOW KIDS YOU CARE

Notice the children and give them an appropriate sense of self.

Children need tender loving care. They also need affirmation. All the adults in their lives put into their lives and are giving them a sense of self. Your words and actions matter a great deal and leave lasting imprints that project into the future. Positive words and actions are empowering.

Children need parameters and established boundaries. It is important to teach youth that some things are good and some are not okay. Model appropriate behaviors for them and plan ways to create a safe environment in your home. Make sure you commend children for right behaviors. All children need to be cared for and nurtured. Chaos happens when the environment is out of control. With a little thought, this can be improved and provide what the children need.

Teachers, parents, grandparents, coaches, youth leaders, ministers and others will communicate messages to their youthful charges. They are helping build a whole person one word at a time. Wrong messages often stem from frustration, lack or organization, and lack of consistency.

Focus on helping children grow into responsible adults by helping them participate. People need structure to build upon to hold it together like a body needs its skeletal system to support the body. By paying attention to structure and nurture causes a child to feel wanted in their environment.

Parents teach their children about strangers to keep them aware and safe. Be careful in how you interact with children. Be a safe person. Do make the effort to acknowledge children. Do the extras if they are in your care.

 Here are a few simple ways you can show any child that you care.

Notice them. 

Smile a lot.

Acknowledge them.

Learn their names.

Seek them out.

Remember their birthdays.

Children are like sponges. They soak up the attention and guidance you give them. They need it.

Children will listen after they have learned to listen. We, as adults, learn to speak with quiet authority and to not overdo it. They respond to care, and they respond to being treated with respect. Lack of respect towards them results in them reacting, acting out, or defending themselves. Respectful behavior is taught, modeled, given, and should be the expectation for everyone in the family.

Much has been written about raising children. I think one area has been neglected. Parents are in control, not the children. You are in charge. Don't give the children all the power to make all the choices. They are not ready for it and will become what we used to call "spoiled" or "brats" when they control the home. They will have more voice as they mature and show responsibility.

There are ways to do this. You might want to read about this subject.on my other blog: Intentional Parenting: 21 Tips for How to Parent Children.

Be in control but don't be harsh. Use appropriate consequences. Love well. Be kind. Take time.