WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE LOVE CHALLENGED

WHEN YOU ARE  LOVE CHALLENGED

There’s an art to loving well.

But loving like that doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't magically happen. 

Can a person learn to love who wasn’t loved in childhood? I was loved as a child as were my siblings so any answer I produce in response to the question is not from my own personal experience other than a problematic marriage.

I’ve read a lot of books from a variety of perspectives and experiences that touch on this subject. Love is tricky. You can’t make yourself love just because you want to, and I don’t mean 'making love.'

You can’t fake it till you make it. 

Love comes from within. Love originates inside intrinsically, and from outside, like in parent--child bonding. Trust and distrust are learned relational behaviors.

An infant, toddler, preschooler, gradeschooler, and teenager are all sensitive to their environment. Gaps form from constant neglect, abuse, emotional injury and deprivation. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Back to the original question, can you learn to love when you weren’t loved? Here’s my take. I believe it is possible. It depends on several factors falling into place, which includes doing the hard work.

How so? 

You have to want to love.  You have to chase it by dealing with your past, sorting it out, letting God help you, and learning all you can that is helpful, non addictive, healthy and healing.

At best, learning to love is a slow journey. Having God in your life is the best thing you have going for you. God is love. His love is transformative. He heals in watershed moments, in layers of healing that transpire in segments over time. You were damaged in layers, you heal in layers.

I’ve known and know of people who now love well but weren’t loved in their pasts. They’ve traveled a journey to change it up. It wasn't easy. They had to give up self-protective behaviors and addictions, manipulative and self-serving relationships.

Their stunted lives blossomed. 

They’ve had deep healing. Their empathy for others on the journey is remarkable. Their demons no longer haunt them. Most are in a community that understands, loves, and is supportive.

Learning to love well is worth pursuing, however long it takes.
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Photo by Tim Mossholder, Unsplash

WHY IT PAYS TO BE SELF-AWARE

SELF - AWARENESS PAYS OFF

You can have a wrong belief about yourself.

I used to believe I had little to offer. I didn’t think I was talented or smart enough. I was wrong. I’ve learned differently. God uses what you have and He grows it. 

You blossom under God's care.

 
THE PROBLEM

The problem surfaces when we are too focused on others’ so-called ‘perfect’ lives. We view others’ successes and accomplishments as better than our own. 

We can view ourselves as “less than.”

We begin to doubt ourselves when there are too many defeats and personal struggles. What we perceive as a failure and defeat may just be a closed door.

But it may be an opportunity for personal growth.

Zoom out and take a bird’s eye view of the whole matter. What do you see? Realistic expectations? Unrealistic expectations? Impatience? 

Are circumstances beyond your control?

THE SOLUTION 

 

Figure out what is true about the circumstance.

The simple formula is doable: learn, grow, and do your best. The requirement is to persevere, make wise decisions, plan ahead, and become resourceful.

Do the hard work and give it your best.

I’ll add one more essential for intentional Christians. Do what God shows, leads and provides. A good thing becomes a bad thing if God isn’t in it. If God says “Stop,” you know what to do.

Simply put, you stop and don't fret or question it.

You bloom where you are planted.

THE LOVE GAME: LOVE IS AS LOVE DOES

Do you remember falling in love? 

 

LOVE IS?

Emotions of love speak joy to the heart. Happiness comes when you're wanted, loved, and desired, when you're treated with warmth, kindness, affection and deference. You know if you have this or don't have this in a relationship. It's pretty sweet when you do. It's pretty painful when you don't.

Cherished moments are the stuff of dreams come true.

Dreams do come true, that is, when the cherished moments last. All sorts of dynamics are at play in the love game and some aren't about love at all. Those who surf from partner to partner are hunting for the next thrill . . . but? Deep inside they might be looking for a place to belong, unbeknownst to them. 

Some individuals have emotional gaps they're trying to fill. They're looking for others to meet that need (codependency fits here).

They want to be needed and need to be wanted. This is true for many of the wounded. They want to know they matter. That's a reasonable expectation. But it's going to take work. You need to become healthy first. Solution: Work on your 'self stuff' first, then a relationship.

The healthier you are emotionally the more you will be able to sustain a relationship.

Some fall in love and then fall out of love. Dissatisfaction sets in; disinterest grows. The giddy feeling evaporates. They close down and retreat. Truth: It wasn't love at all. It was a facsimile of love. 

Solution: Couples that build a relationship to last, a relationship that grows closer and remains strong, their relationship will endure the test of time.

Love is key to making a relationship thrive. It also helps when the individuals are committed to each other and dedicated to relationship maintenance--its preservation depends on their commitment to it.

No marriage or relationship is doomed when both people in it are committed to its success. 

Spiritual context provides a secondary component that draws couples together. Those who are close in their spirituality are extra fortunate in that they add a spiritual connection of love with loyalty attached. 

This added dimension--spiritual communing--sweetens the connection.

The real deal, true love, is not fickle or fake. 

Suggestion: Take inventory: some behaviors are nonnegotiables, like physical or mental abuse.  If you're already in a dysfunctional relationship, if you're keeping score and see the partner as disengaged or not in it with you, then you are between a rock and a hard place. You can only change yourself. Start taking care of you and your mental health. Blaming will not help you. Be wise, be careful, work hard, grow, heal, move forward, believe you have a future. Trust God and seek help. There are people who will help you.