Escape from Lies, Begin the Journey

Every single day we find ourselves making choices that define our journey's destiny.

Take that first step.

We can be pretty hard on ourselves. True. We can. Sometimes we down-right lie to ourselves. It happened to me. I believed a lie that defined me from childhood up. It was not a lie that anyone spoke to me, it was just something I believed about myself, kinda like a nail in the coffin....not bringing any life to me. It was a deadening projection which colored my thinking. I never expected to succeed in college because of this internalized message which I had believed because I compared myself  to others. I did not believe I was "good enough" but mostly I did not believe I was "smart enough." I remember being asked, if there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would you change? My mind replied, I would want to be smarter.

Years later I realized that it wasn't true. It was a lie I had believed. I am smart enough. There are many types of intelligences. In education we call these, multiple intelligences. What an eye-opener when I realized the truth. My gifting is not in academic acquisition or test-taking excellence, not something that shows in any remarkable way on IQ measurements, but my brand of "smarts" have intrinsic value nevertheless. I have something unique to say that is all my own. My feelings and beliefs about myself in those days (and even now once in awhile) made me feel the invariable "less than" other people, especially in comparison to the achievers I always wished I could be, like those who could ace a test without even studying while I studied all night to pull a "B." I felt I didn't measure up. One gets in the habit of noticing others' successes and minimizing your own successes.

Lies enter easily and leave slowly. We must be able to ferret them out, to recognize them for what they are. I read a book a few years back about lies women believe about themselves. Many lies we believe come as the result of another person's negative comments. The perceived message becomes internalized. Eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia often have a hurtful "dig" that changed the person's self-perception into one of self-hate, the humiliation of it all, the assumption that they are unworthy or unequal unless they can change that "thing" that makes them unattractive. As a teacher, I have seen it many times, a child who is crushed by unkind statements or "mean girl" peer manipulation. For some children, school becomes a dreaded place, the bullying and insults are a daily occurrence. Some of us have experienced this. There are times as a teacher, I have addressed this issue with students, to call a spade a spade. It is important to become skilled at deterring negative exchanges that affect the social climate in classrooms, schools, churches, relationships and homes.

I can think of many lies that have tripped people up or perceptions that have contributed to low self-worth or personal stagnation. "If only ...."   "I wish........  "I can't ...." I'm not...." "Nothing ever turns out right for me."  "No one could ever want/like/love/care-for me."   Other contributors caused by ways people have treated us communicate the following three biggies: unmet needs, unhealed hurts, and unresolved issues. They damage our psyche and emotions. Even neglect. In my marriage I was rarely complimented. Years later, when I reentered the dating field, I found myself weeping the first time I was told the words, "You're beautiful." The neglect had communicated a lie. I no longer felt desirable. Emotional wounding can ravage the mind with hurtful messages that thought-by-thought destroy our sensitivities and lie to us. Internalized messages can be deeply held and believed, especially when positive messages are woefully inadequate or absent. It may take a life time of God's intervening to turn the ship around, to make us well and emotionally healthy. Spiritual health is tied to emotional health. The two cannot be separated. We owe it to ourselves to pick up the pieces of our lives and seek a way to our healing.

God is in the business of helping broken people. He wants to free us from the lies we have believed. Drawing close to God and seeking his healing deliverance is a first step in your life's journey of many hundreds and thousands of such steps. God uses Scripture, trusted friends, spiritual books, godly ministers, times of meditation, wise counselors, and other means to accomplish this. What do we have to do? We need to show up! We must want our own healing. We must confront the lies believed. 

A little secret I have found which really delivers the goods is this:  Put a new thought--a word of truth--in place of the lie you have believed. When negative thoughts have played for years they create well-worn paths, like a ruts in a dirt road. It helps to get off that track to form a new track. This will develop a positive pattern of right thinking, which, hopefully, guides our thinking in the way God would want us to think.

"I'm not smart enough" is replaced with "I am smart enough." 
  "I am the person God made me to be, and God doesn't make junk!" 
    "I am special. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters what God thinks."
      "I can do this because God will help me do it. We're in this together!" 
        "It's not the end of the world if it doesn't turn out right!"
             "It's okay, God must not have been in it. I'll do something else that God wants me to do."

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.*
 Transform your mind.
   Send the lies packing.
     Bring the truth statements home. 
       Ask Father God to help you do this one step at a time.
         Exchange lies for a truth.   
            When it happens, and it will happen....
                To God be the Glory!

Begin today. You won't be sorry you did.

*Loa-tzu

Written in connection with "When A Women Finds Her Voice," by JoAnn Fore.

Amazon Book Link is HERE

#When a Woman Finds Her Voice
N. L. Brumbaugh ... All rights Reserved

I Hear Their Voices of Pain

#When a Woman Finds Her Voice

 I hear their voices.

My husband is drinking from the minute he wakes up on the weekends. I have to run the errands because he can't drive when he's like that. He gets upset with me when I say that we can't spend anymore on beer, that we've spent our limit. I feel like his drinking is more important than us. I am tired of doing it all. I don't think he cares anymore. I don't know what to do.

I had an abortion when I was eighteen. I didn't tell anyone. I buried it. But, a year ago I started thinking about it. I ended up going to a resource clinic and taking classes to deal with my past. I wish I had made the choice like _______, she kept and raised her baby and now she's a beautiful young woman.

When you're depressed and suicidal, you just want to know someone cares. It's like you're in a hole looking up, trying to find someone to help you get out, someone to give you a reason, any reason, to want to keep on living (fifteen year old).

Taking care of mom is getting harder (Alzheimer's). Last week at the doctor's office, Mom was accusing me of all sorts of things (neglect) in the waiting room. People were looking at us. She was making a scene. I've had to stop taking it personally. Her moods can swing so quickly. I never know what kind of day we're going to have.

My stepfather molested me when I was a teenager. When my mother asked me if he was fooling around, I said "No." I couldn't tell her. It changes you. I worry about some of the girls in our church youth program. I want to protect them.

My husband was a pastor. I found out he was going to "massage" places and doing "stuff." I confronted him. He was apologetic, embarrassed. Then he promised never to do it again. But, awhile later they sent him a 'thank-you for your business' letter. I couldn't believe it. The marriage was over. I couldn't do it anymore. My kids haven't recovered, especially one son. He suffers deep depression and doesn't have much to do with church.

Both my parents were drunks and used foul language. I never knew what it was to be treated with kindness, to not be cursed and yelled at. My husband had a nervous breakdown. We were in another country at the time, a military family. I held the family together. It was harder than anyone knew. I stepped up to the plate and took care of my family. I learned fast. It was difficult during his time away from us during his hospitalization. I had three young children and we didn't know what was going to happen. Mental illness is hard on families. Then I met the Lord. The pastor's wife took me under her wing. She taught me how to do things and how to organize events. I owe so much to her for teaching me how to study the Word.

My husband won't work. He doesn't support the family. He doesn't even keep the home up. I get tired of carrying the load. I try to help him to become more responsible but it's like having another child to take care of. He lacks motivation. I wish he would do something and treat me better. He doesn't appreciate what I do. It's so lonely. I just want to be loved for who I am.

He left me for an old high school flame. They got reacquainted at his reunion. She pursued him. We aren't divorced yet but he's left. I don't know what God wants me to do. He's not interested in spiritual truth. We used to have good times. We enjoyed our little farm. I guess it's over. What do you think?

They come to me. They whisper their hurts. They share their pasts. They're embarrassed.

I listen to them. I hear their pain. I see if they're growing or stagnated, depressed or hopeful. I give them what I can. I pray and I hope. I ask questions and I share lessons-learned as a co-seeker of God's grace. Most of all, I care. Pain isolates. Caring identifies. Love transcends the differences. 

I am only one. But I am one. I am only one voice. But I am one voice. Their hope is small. But my hope is big. I want them to catch the life-saver I'm throwing out to them, the life-saver to save their life, to bring them to safety, to a safe place--to a hope and healing place centered in the arms of Jesus, sweet Jesus, the Lily of the Valley the Bright and Morning Star.

You see, they know I've been there, that I understand what it is to hurt so bad, to hide the pain from view.

When my voice was silent, in the midst of a sea of women seeking God, I could not speak. I could not tell my story. I avoided events like this, afraid I couldn't manage my emotions. Here I was, though, Arco Arena, Sacramento, CA, Women of Faith event, top row tucked away in the peanut gallery, looking at the big screen because we were far away from the platform. 

Patsy Clairmont was sharing a story about a woman who she sat by on an airplane. This woman had been left by her husband for another woman. He and his new wife had the gall to move into a home on the same street where she lived (the family home where they had raised their daughters), then "they" proceeded to take over the family business. It was a bitter pill, especially at this stage in life. One day this woman was praying and seeking God in her brokenness. Slowly, her heart became full. She decided that her life was not over, the sadness would not consume her every moment--if she wouldn't let it. Later that day, she was ready to mop the kitchen floor. She turned on the music. Something came over her! She grabbed the mop and started to dance after turning up the tune to full volume. Just then, her adult daughters stopped by, in shock to see their mother dancing with a mop. Soon, her daughters were dancing with their mom, laughing and giggling. Life was not over. The woman was on her way to healing.

I listened to the story. My emotions barely in check. I wanted to cry buckets. I had known that same betrayal, more than once, but the women in my church did not know my hidden hurt. I was their Women's Ministry leader, a woman they looked up to. They didn't know my secret sorrow. I wished I hadn't come. The hurt was resurfacing and its alone feeling, even though I was surrounded by a multitude of women of faith.

A few years later my hurts would be healed and my life restored. I knew there were other women like I was, godly women, sitting in churches, hurting, and not being helped. I wanted them to know that there is always hope. There are ways to get help. And, there is God. I would begin to speak out, to dispel the darkness and expose the lies.

So, my unknown friend, you are not alone. Many have walked your path. If you are weary, if you are sad, if you have little strength, I want you to know, you are not alone. Some of us care. We care very much. We want to see you happy. We want to see you smile again. We want to lift you to safety out of the deep waters and into the raft above the danger. You can't do it alone. The Lord Jesus Christ will help you. He's good at it. Reach out to Him. He is reaching out to you. He is about living. The pain of circumstances is not the end. You must push through the circumstance to get to the other side. First, you must get into the raft. You must seek your own healing. It won't come to you without your personal initiative, a willing heart and the love of God. It is worth it, and it is possible. Trust me.

Here, let me help you. I'd like to help. Send me a private email if you need someone to talk to. 

Your Sister in Christ, 
Norma
nlbrumbaugh@gmail.com 

* * * * *
Written in connection with the book, "When a Woman Finds Her Voice," by JoAnn Fore.

 To purchase this book: Live Amazon Link











All Rights Reserved 

Introducing Author Jo Ann Fore & Her Book

#When A Woman Finds Her Voice by #Jo Ann Fore

"When A Woman Finds Her Voice" by Jo Ann Fore

Jo Ann Fore

THERE are times in life when we just know something significant is about to happen. I have that feeling about Jo Ann Fore and her book, "When A Woman Finds Her Voice: Overcoming Life's Hurts & Using Your Story to Make a Difference." For two months I have been working with Jo Ann and a team of women she has assembled. I know from our many interactions that she is serious about this venture and it's not just about writing a book.

 Jo Ann is passionate about seeing lives changed, turned around, and then, when ready, to give back so that more lives can be changed, turned around, and then when ready, to give back so that more lives can be changed, turned around, and then when ready, to give back ... and the snowball will gather momentum and force and THERE WILL BE REAL LIFE VICTORIES for women--women who could really use a hand-up--the real reason for her writing the book. ... She's a woman on a mission. And so am I. She speaks for the same reason I speak. We both have something to say. We want others to capture our excitement ... and the truth that will set them free.

THE PERSON who has been there, who has the scars to prove it, and has emerged as a lovely witness of the transforming grace of God; this person has in-effect gone through a metamorphosis.  This transformation can be likened to the life stages of the butterfly. An ordinary caterpillar intent on living life as it must be lived but only partially the creature it is meant to be, not particularly attractive, in time enters into its cocoon. While in its cocoon a time of waiting takes place. For us, it is in the wait-time that something begins to happen, it is where one heals and transforms in the inside-you where no one except God can see as a miracle of transformation is making something new out of the old. At just the right time, a remarkable you re-enters life, a much-different looking and acting creature altogether, with a beauty that shimmers like an elegant glistening butterfly. Like our friend the butterfly, one of the loveliest of all creations, one has to go through a process to get there.  

The tragedy would be to never complete the metamorphosis. 

A COUPLE of years ago, my teenage daughter and I were in the middle of collecting insects for a science class project. She had to identify insects, preserve and mount them. Having been through this same assignment with her four older siblings, I wasn't looking forward to it. Some insects refuse to be caught. One Saturday, she and I took our handmade butterfly net and collecting supplies to the walking trails by the Sacramento River. It was such a lovely warm fall day. Every time we circled the loop on the north trail we would see two swallowtail butterflies flying in and out of the hanging vines. The butterflies were black with neon blue markings. Gorgeous creatures. It took us many attempts before we finally managed to capture one. It was exceptionally beautiful. Next, we scrambled over the creek banks at Bidwell Park. There we found a yellow swallowtail butterfly and many moths. Some were canary yellow, others orange striped, and there were several tiny white moths with eye-ball-looking dots on the wing tips. It ended up being an adventure. The poison oak found me, too! I am sure that those moths and butterflies delighted in not being caterpillars once they found their wings.

AS ONE woman who has had some difficult steps in my metamorphosis to become a butterfly, I can tell you that it's pretty wonderful once you emerge out of the cocoon of pain and into who you were always meant to be. Not that the problems all subside, they don't, but the problems no longer own you. A healthier you can face them down. One must have a few tools in the toolkit, recognize the obstacles for what they are, and know you have a God big enough for the job. And some praying friends. It doesn't get easier.  None of it is easy. Easy isn't the right word. But, what it is is freeing. My path was different than Jo Ann's but I can tell that her and my healing have many of the same components. It took us to decide to be willing, to want it, the courage, tenacity, stick-to-it-tive-ness to see it through, and a work of God within us. Some other people came in and out of our lives to guide us on the journey. 

WE WOMEN are as different at the many butterflies. Like them, WE ARE MEANT TO FLY. For me, my hurts were emotional in nature. The wounding was deep enough that it was hijacking my enjoyment of life. Of course, I didn't know this for a long time. I just wondered why I wasn't able to be happy or feel joy in the inner me. God used his clean clear mirror to show me my hidden places so that I could recognize the issues for what they were. You see, we can't always see ourselves correctly especially when we are sincere Christians living good lives. The void isn't always recognizable. But, if you have inner hurts, and they haven't been healed or purified, they reside behind the mask no matter your spiritual depth. When push comes to shove, this inner pressure  of unresolved issues and unhealed hurts can make a person harsh or irritable, uptight, and for some, explosive and controlling, or depressed and withdrawn.  

Cleanse my heart, O God, make it ever pure. You are the potter, I am the clay.

During my "wait" cocoon that took a couple of years, I gave up my inner hurts to God while He revealed them to me one by one. I asked Him to help me. He came in and gave me a new identity in those areas, removing their strangle-hold.  Many of the areas had to do with loss. God had to free me from the inner anguish that had lain dormant in me.  Slowly it died. Joy began to bubble up. The pain rarely surfaces now. Most of it is gone, cleansed by our Savior's healing touch. Willingly I share my lessons-learned and hope-found. I ask God to send people over my way who need what I have to offer. Then I ask Him to give me the words. He always does. What a beautiful God-sized miracle of His grace.

I THINK you should buy Jo Ann's book. Whether you have internal hurt or not, it is an excellent book to show what other people go through, and how God works in their lives to bring them to wholeness and healthier lives. I'm following its message, that it is time for we as women to open up, to begin talking and sharing what God has done in our lives.                                                                                                                             Blessings to you all,
                                                                                                          Norma L. Brumbaugh

Amazon Book Link is Here

http://joannfore.com/when-a-woman-finds-her-voice-book/

All Rights Reserved

WAKE UP! GOD CALLING, Respond NOW!

WAKE UP! GOD CALLING, Respond NOW!

"Beep." Oh man, what was that? One beep? That's weird, must not have been my alarm.

I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. My mind was working. One beep?, hmmm ... my alarm always beeps three times. I glanced over at the clock. Yes, 60 minutes early. Sleep wouldn't come.

Lord, is it you? Do you want me to pray? ...  Yes.  Okay. I'll get up. A friend was on my mind. She was the one that needed prayer, who I would pray for first. I was concerned for her.

I crawled out of bed and went into the living room. I glanced at my Ipad, a private message from this same long-distant friend, someone who I'd never met but I'd been trying to support in some way. By reading some of her comments, I had sensed her anguish and tried to reach out by sending her a private message once in awhile. I didn't think she was all that much receptive to my contact. The offer was there if she wanted it. At times she would respond in small bites of text. I felt inadequate. I'm not very social or adept at dispensing advice and she was much younger than myself. Her comments to me were brief, and almost always with some level of despondency, saying things like, "why bother." Her frustration with life and the hurts from the past were overwhelming her. Memories and pain were swirling around her, robbing her of much-needed sleep. She'd never opened up, but I sensed some of her past had been brutal. I learned bits and pieces but not enough to know how or if I should respond. I found myself worrying about her. She was struggling. I wondered if she was suicidal. I didn't want to pry or over-reach, or to push her away. After reading her message I knew why I'd been summoned so early. I began to pray for her. I asked God to take charge. I prayed for her emotional, physical, and spiritual needs and God's hand of protection on her life. I sent a message. She responded. The words began to flow as God began to lead our conversation.
 -----
Her opening message--
"I'm scared.
Scared to ask for help.
Scared to go to God.
Scared to be alone right now thru this. 
Just plain scared....
 (she goes on to say that while at work she felt someone tap her shoulder, but no-one was there.)

...And scared I'm going crazy!
Would you please pray? 
Right now I'm panicking and anxiety has gone through the roof. ...
... Is this what crazy feels like?"

My response--
"Dear ______, I had something weird too, it happened at 5:30 a.m. My alarm went off, one beep...not usual, it's usually three beeps. I started to get up and then I looked at the clock. It was an hour before it's set time. Well, I lay back in bed and tried to sleep, but was wide awake. I asked God if He wanted me to pray. "Yes." I go in the living room and there's my Ipad. I read your message and respond. Then I start praying FOR YOU. Then I get a little sleepy and fall back asleep there on the couch. God has your name today. Don't be scared. It's fruitless. Could be the enemy's whispers. Claim "When I am afraid I will trust in God." Chase Satan away by quoting the Word. He has no power when you claim truth. Next, ask God to help you trust. Do it in HIS strength. When you are weak, HE becomes strong. He waits to be invited. YOU will make it. I see victory in your future. There will be a watershed moment. I'm praying for it. Great will be the release. Remember, you are not alone. You aren't. That is also the lie Elijah believed. You just feel alone. We will pray this one through. Be brave in HIS strength. It's possible "I can't do it but You can." Say it to God. (now I'm preaching!)
God has not abandoned you. He is waiting until you are ready. We think we're waiting for Him, when in reality, He is waiting for us (most times). (If this truly is a spiritual battle, not depression or a medical condition)"

Her response--
Yes. ...I know he's waiting on me ... 
 -----
The conversation continues on. . .for days on and off ...
For three mornings in a row a "ding" awakened me at the same early hour, each time with one solitary "beep." Every time I entered in prayer for this young woman. The communication became much deeper. I found myself sharing with her some of the ways I've learned to fight spiritual battles. Our conversations became more real, intense, honest, and helpful. It's surprised me, the freedom I've had to say the things I've shared with her. I've wondered if it's sinking in, if she's applying some of what I say. I know we're getting somewhere. A few days later, she is the first one to make contact, this time without the pain, "How are you?" she says to me via the internet. It sounds happier, it makes me feel happy. She's doing better, her tone is less despondent.

The battle isn't won yet. I still pray. Often.  It is interesting to me that this young woman's needs surfaced during the time I was writing a blog about losing my sister, when I was remembering the sad loss of her life, one which could have been prevented if only we had known. It felt like I was giving back, almost doing it for my sister Lois' sake. The more we talked the more it seemed as if this woman was holding onto life by a thread and I had to help someway, keep her treading water, to not give up. She feels so alone in her pain. Pain isolates. God seemed to want to use me. I followed His lead, did what seemed right to do by sending a tiny lifeline her way. Not much, but it helped. Just yesterday this same friend sent me a message.

Her - "Without your prayers and so many others, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't still be here for you to talk to."

Me - "I've grown quite fond of you, like a grown daughter. I think we are quite different in personality and I often don't know what to say. But, it's not because I don't want to help. Three mornings in a row I was awakened early by the Lord to pray for you. There is a big spiritual battle going on. You can't fight it alone."

Her - "I totally agree and yet I feel so all alone." ....

The conversation is still continuing. In fact, I'm sending this to her to preview before I make it public. Her trust in me is something I don't presume. We are in this together. I think of all the times my praying friends have supported me during those times when my own prayers were bleeding confused utterances, the darkness surrounding me making it hard to pray. We need each other in the brother- and sister-hood of the Christian community of Believers.

-Please pray for someone you know who needs some help.  Don't be afraid to show you care. Thank you.
* * * * *
Written in connection with book, "When a Woman Finds Her Voice," by JoAnn Fore.

 
To purchase book:
Amazon Book Link is HERE









#When a Woman Finds Her Voice
All Rights Reserved

What is it about Shame, Acceptance, and Self-Perception?

It was a small incident compared to some things, but it had given me a negative message. My pastor called me into his office to talk about something. I had no idea what was up. It sounded like I was in trouble. I was nervous. My mother came with me, she had taken the call and seemed to think it was something not good. I suppose he asked her to come with me. I was in my early twenties, a first-year teacher. My infraction? "That dress you wore last week when you sang your solo in church was way out of line, way too short!" My pastor looked up from behind his desk, his eyes piercing me, waiting for me to speak. I couldn't say anything. I was surprised by his words. I began to cry.  Inside I felt humiliated, especially now as a school teacher in a Christian school and graduate from a Christian college.  It was like I had no standing or reputation with him. On the way home I rehashed my reaction, embarrassed by how I'd responded by crying like a school girl instead of being collected. Always a good-girl, it was the first time ever for me to be called on the carpet for something. I didn't even think was quite true, my dress was knee length. Yet, I respected his position and authority, keeping my upset feelings to myself. I had a lot to learn. 

I recalled that event while I was washing dishes and preparing a meal for luncheon guests earlier today. As I thought about it and my inward reaction, that unpleasant unworthy feeling, I understood it's meaning for what it was, like a light bulb turning on, what that emotion had been that had transmitted a negative feeling into my psyche. I felt "shamed," and that it was an undeserved scolding, an unnecessary confrontation.  The dress that had gotten me into trouble had been a favorite of mine, a jersey print of turquoise, looking great with my bronzed tan. I'd sewn the dress myself. Thinking back on it, quite possibly if my pastor had approached it from a different angle it wouldn't have been so humiliating or embarrassing to me. We know someone cares when they care. It was the only time while under his ministry that he ever talked to me in a one-to-one conversation other than a greeting. If you can call that a conversation. A positive context would have balanced and evened it out.

As a teacher, I've seen many children shamed by teachers, principals, and parents. I've even had to take action when I've seen it go too far, over the top with the punishments and demeaning actions of an adult to a child, that of a bully with the cornered defenseless weaker subject. One year I took it to the top, to the superintendent, wondering if I was witnessing emotional abuse on my school campus. I spoke up for the children, fearing job repercussions. After much inner debate, doing it anyway. Why? Someone had to--children were not being treated with dignity and respect--I had wondered who would do something about it, and that someone ended up being me. Un-pleasable out-of-line adults can destroy self-concepts quick-like in public shamings. I figured I was seeing this adult as someone who once was shamed by the demons in her past. I'm glad to say, my actions did make a difference. This adult began to manage her behavior with a less-aggressive attitude toward the students. I assumed that the-powers-that-be had a talk with her. Everyone on campus noticed a difference.

When my pastor called me in, I felt like a little kid going to the principal's office. After hearing my misdeed, it felt like I wasn't spiritual enough. Outward conformity to a set of rules was how the people in that church were judged, a formula that we adhered to in order to participate in the spiritual realm (I'm not speaking of moral or biblical mandates). Today such thinking is still happening in many churches, schools, and homes. Many times I find myself redirecting a conversation when I see the darts being thrown at the absent person, the one who is being disapproved of in some way. I saw it last week in two conversations with people who are dear Christians.  They are unaware of their attitudes, the lack of true love and acceptance. The performance checklist that keeps track of behaviors. The link of "performance" to "spirituality" is often a "log" in the eye. This should not be. Sometimes I find myself doing it as well. My thinking darts tend to be thrown at the self-righteous who are so rigid that they forget to love unconditionally, keeping score, ignoring that it really is God who does the work in another's spiritual life, that we are called to be faithful to the task. This pious attitude irks me. But, it isn't right either. Love, true love, has acceptance and caring in its base. Standards do matter, holiness is to be desired and lived out, but God is the one who is the righteous judge. We are the servants, the proclaimers of the message, the believers in the truth that sets men and women free.

How does it happen? The list is long and hurtful. We've all felt some of these.

~~|~~

NEGATIVE CAUSES~
Pain . Shame . Dislike . Guilt . Hurt . Sorrow . Unfair treatment . Put-downs . Mistreatment . Harsh words . Abuse . Anger . Unloved . Unwanted . Neglect . Ignored . Bullied . Conflicts . distance . criticisms . disrespect . ???
NEGATIVE SELF PERCEPTION=>not good enough, faulty, unworthy, deficient, undesirable

~Feelings of being unwanted and unloved are a destructive force within the heart and soul of a person. 

~Feelings of being unaccepted and excluded are a destructive force within the heart and soul of a person.

 ~~|~~

Approval and acceptance for who and what we are is essential in creating a dynamic that asserts value to our person. Last Sunday in my church, a man who is thirty years of age, spoke about his childhood. He was raised in a city that has a negative reputation. His first time in trouble was when he harmed another child when he was a third-grader. As the years progressed, he became more and more violent, getting expelled from school. When he was in high school, two different adults took an interest in him. Because of them, he started seeing himself differently, seeing that he had worth and value, that he could have a future. During his junior year in high school, he gave his life to the Lord. The change was dramatic. He was brought into the admin office. They asked him what had happened, what had made him change so much. He said that he now had God in his life. The school asked him to share what had changed his life before three thousand public school students. He said he probably wouldn't have changed if someone hadn't seen his potential and valued him for who he was, seeing who he was and could be rather than his violent ways. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found. T'was blind but now I see.

Our emotional life needs the positive energy that comes from being valued. If it is lacking, there is little reason to go on. Life is too hard without the sense of worth. So often, people who have messed up will turn around when given a reason from someone else who sees their potential. Sometimes it wasn't much but it was enough. I've read the stories. To God, we ALL are of GREAT value. We were worth His son coming to earth to provide a way of salvation for all who believe.

~~|~~

POSITIVE CAUSES~

Hope . Love . Acceptance . Health . Fair treatment . Built-up . Good treatment . Kind words . Courtesy . Calm . Wanted . Cared for . Listened to . Inclusion . Peace . Liked . Resolution . Cherished . Honored . ???

POSITIVE SELF PERCEPTION=>good enough, acceptable, worthy, capable, desirable

~Feelings of being wanted and loved are a positive force within the heart and soul of a person.

~Feelings of being accepted and included are a positive force within the heart and soul of a person.

~~|~~

There are some people in my life who approve of me. They are the ones I go to when I'm down. Why? They love me unconditionally. I don't have to perform for them. They like me for me even when I fail or do things in a different way than they do. And, it's enough. I want my children and grandchildren to know I love them this way. It can be hard with family. There is an expectation-factor. In Christian families it can be quite pronounced. So, family members who are struggling in some way tend to hide who they really are because it is easier than disappointing their parents and feeling the disapproval. It's painful. I understand the hidden expectation. As a parent, I have them, and they mean a lot to me. BUT.  I must put my hopes, wishes, and performance expectations aside when it comes to deep down really really caring and loving without conditions, caring about the person more than the deed. I don't want my family to think that they must earn my affection. My personal pride can't or shouldn't be tied to their performance. They already know what I think anyway. Is it easy? No. It's not. Barriers or conditions prevent open honesty.

The other day I saw a man  around my age walking with his father in a store parking lot. His father was telling this man how he needed to park his car a certain way, his voice had that solicitous patient sound like you use with a little kid when they should be paying attention. I found myself feeling sorry for the son, that as a grown man he is not given the respect he deserves by a father who has failed to bring the dignity of adulthood into the conversation, a lack of equality in the relationship. Sometimes, it is as simple as not giving your opinion when it's not solicited. I have learned to pray instead of preach. To love instead of condemn. To acknowledge my stuff instead of acting like I'm perfect. When God provides the opportunities, I jump in and speak because I know He provided them. There is a big difference between the two. Much more gets accomplished when I do it God's way.

Look for ways to transmit positives into other lives. When you see pain in someone's life, be there for them. Help if you can. Even those in error need to be listened to without being argued under the table. Silence is often a greater communicator than unwelcome advice.
* * * * *
Written in connection with, "When a Woman Finds Her Voice," by JoAnn Fore

Available for purchase:  Amazon Book Link is HERE










#When a Woman Finds Her Voice
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Why I Write what I Write and Speak what I Speak

I have so much to say. That is because God has done so much for me. Lately I've been writing a series of articles related to "When A Woman Finds Her Voice," for a book launch. The topics are predetermined by the author, and then we write something from our personal experiences that relate to the topic. What this has done for me is that is has made me think about the process God used to help me become the woman He has wanted me to be. It has taken several things in my life to bring me to that place: God, Scripture, People, Seeking, Praying, Meditating, Writing, Learning. All have been important.  
Reviewing the impact of these things on my life has validated my purpose, my calling.

The most recent assignment for the book launch was to make a short video clip of why each of us will use our voice. For me, it's all about God, what He offers to others by using me as a messenger of the message.  Yesterday, I self-recorded my video in the early evening while standing out in the walnut orchard that I farm. It was my desire to make an analogy by comparing growing trees to God growing us. Careful nurture goes into the caring of humans and plants. Many people are damaged by harsh realities, that is why we share what God has done in helping us. My video needs one clarification. I mention abuse because many, many women have been abused. I was in pain from emotional wounds but I did not suffer from sexual or physical abuse. My wounds were emotional in nature, I had internalized pain of a different sort.  
But I do relate.

Within every area of pain there is some area of loss. Loss occurs through many forms: Loss of innocence, love, security, a relative, child, mate, pet, standing, freedom, independence, reputation, job, health, marriage, financs, employment, friendship, dignity, respect, peace, trust, fidelity, wholeness and so forth. Each sad moment pierces deeply and stays inside our inner selves causing destructive damage to our personalities and sense of well-being. When we access Him, God comes along and sets us of the path of freedom. He helps us deal with our neediness and issues, even our silent guilt, shame, wounds, and wrong-beliefs about ourselves. I'm so glad God can and will meet us where we're at to forgive, heal, transform, and renew.
That is why I write what I write, and I speak what I speak.

GOD IS IN THE MIRACLE BUSINESS
God has blessed me. He healed me. He set me free. He made me new.
God removed my pain. He removed my hurt. He put something new in place of the sadness.
God is my everything. He is the reason for living. He is my hope and my peace.
God loves me. His love is better than anyone can imagine. It is unfathomable.
God gives me a reason for moving forward. He shows me new things to embrace every day.
God asks me to bind my will to the will of the father. I am glad to do so.
God asks me to bind my mind to the mind of Christ. I would be foolish not to.
God asks me to bind my seat of my emotions to the Holy Spirit. This keeps me balanced.
God is the one who makes life worth living. I'm so thankful that He is my heavenly Father.

USING MY VOICE

 A video that speaks from the heart. I am in the walnut orchard that I farm. October 2013

Ready to use your voice? I have a book for you.

JUST A SHORT BLIP
This book is a stepping stone to healing.
This book is a guide to finding you have a voice.
This book is the stuff of real life.
This book will not disappoint.
This book has a message endorsed by the faith community.
This book takes the reader to the hurting place.
Then leads to the healing place.

Available for purchase: Amazon Book Link is HERE

#When a Woman Finds Her Voice

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Woman to Woman, Voice to Voice

 Woman to Woman, Voice to Voice

The evening was warm sticky-like as she and I stood there talking about serious personal matters. With intention I had engaged her in this conversation knowing she would be able to help me. Prior contact with each other had been minimal so it was the initial stage of forging a connection with her. In my church, this woman seemed to be the only lady that I thought had the tools to help me, someone who had "been there, done that." This is why I sought her out that night, in the privacy of the outdoors as people were leaving after the church's evening service.  I had heard this woman speak about her past with its damage to her emotional health, and I knew about the miracle that came when God transformed her wounded self into a woman after God's own heart. I knew her insights were  borne out of terrible scars from an abusive unpleasable parent who had mistreated her during her growing-up years. As an adult she found Jesus. In a slow deep-seated process, she had turned her ways and life over to Him, clinging to His everlasting arms. We couldn't have been more different. 

She-- casual, expressive, self-taught, non-assuming, in the background, and easy to laugh. 
Me-- formal, reserved, graduate level educated, in the front leading, and easy to smile.

I needed something from her that night. We delved in. I asked the questions. She answered them with candid frankness. Kind in her expressions, laughing with a quiet chuckle to ease the severity of the truth as it was delivered and then accessed by me. Somehow I knew she wouldn't disappoint, judge, or go over the top with advice and reacting. A few years older than myself, this woman had come to terms with emotional battles and had found a way to victory. I wanted that for myself, and I wanted to understand why people who are emotionally damaged often continue to emotionally damage the very people who love them the most. My family and I were going through a lot and I was hopeful for more perspective on emotional issues. I did not understand what I was dealing with or how to view emotional constructs.

When the mosquitoes began to pester, she and I decided to sit in my car, our conversation continued on unabated, the flow rich and deep. Her husband waited patiently in his truck, never coming over to interrupt us. He must have sensed that this was important. The evening wore on but we kept on talking while watching the sky turn from blue to inky indigo, sitting there in the church parking lot with the steeple of the white century-old church towering over us and a huge black walnut tree next to us becoming a black silhouette in statuesque beauty.

That day I found some answers that I needed because this woman cared enough to take time to share her life-lessons. Later on, we would exchange follow-up emails to each other to keep our contact flowing. Yesterday I went in search of these nuggets of truth I gleaned from our conversations. I found them written in a journal from 2003. This woman helped me to see that my purpose is to love unconditionally even if I am not loved in return. I appreciated her view on responding and reacting. This became helpful  to me when I found myself frustrated with people in my life. The following list contains ideas she shared with me in our conversations.

• How can we help those who don't know how to love?  Love them unconditionally.
• We are not responsible for what's down the road and around the bend.
• How do we respond to people pushing our buttons? Respond with "Okay." (I heard you), not with reaction or scolding.
• How we choose to react or respond to a situation may determine whether we will get a positive or negative outcome. Learn to differentiate between the two. Using an analogy, we either react or respond much like our bodies react or respond to medicine.
• Respond - like taking medicine that works well, there are no complications. It does what it should do, it responds to the medication.  Responding is a positive.
• React - it does what it should do but also causes a bad reaction that is not good, it reacts to the medication. Reacting is a negative.
• A Good Response - "Okay.  This is what got done now. What can we do to finish the rest?" etc. 
• A Negative Reaction -  "You should have washed the dishes!  (You shouldn't have played video games all day!) You know I'm busy," etc.

Woman to woman, sharing the hurts and the joys, being honest and helpful is one path to making a spiritual connection. This is something that women need and crave. Damage need not ruin a life. By sharing our stories with others, we are given an opportunity to voice where one can find hope, by showing what has happened in our lives through the healing grace of God and the ministering through human connection. This shared community in women's lives happens when there is a letting go of our walls and barriers. It is essential that women offer acceptance to one another. Let the sharing and caring begin. It is possible.

Learn more about, woman to woman--voice to voice, sharing of personal stories in this new book by Jo Ann Fore.  

When a Woman Finds Her Voice provides many illustrations of life circumstances that are poignant and genuine.

This book shows by example the importance of one woman reaching out to other women through the offering of acceptance and openness at a time when it is needed most.

Available for purchase. Amazon Book Link is HERE






#God #Community #Women #Voices #When a Woman Finds Her Voice

Forgiving when it's hard to forgive

#When A Woman Finds Her Voice, no. 5

Forgiveness is as personal as you and me. It does not come easy to anyone, not even for the most God-fearing person. I find myself able to form the words I forgive you, but another transaction is needed. This one in my heart, to truly forgive in my heart the one who has hurt me. The second of the two is the more difficult. To forgive goes against the grain. The wounds slice deep in our heart of emotions and are poisonous fumes in our tender psyche. It seems contrary to nature to let them off the hook, that person who did the wounding.  
It seems impossible to forgive what seems unforgivable. 

We may think the words, "I forgive you," even say them, but still not forgive. We may find ourselves bound to the unforgiveness inside of us. It steams like a volcano ready to spew its molten contents from deep inside our heart's abyss, its toxic embers waging war in our thinking---the body's natural response to our pressurized feelings of pent-up anger. The emotional wounding simmers and churns, waiting to release its ugly molten mass. 
Left untreated, it will take us down in the process.

I learned some things about forgiveness. In me there was a shallow forgiveness, well-intentioned but not complete. God revealed to me a whole abysmal level of unforgiveness deep within me.  It was then that I sorrowed and grieved for that which was lost, releasing it into the arms of my loving heavenly Father.

We can stop this insane self-punishment that seems to be unending.

We can deal with our unhealed hurts, unmet needs, and unresolved issues.

It is possible to forgive a person who is undeserving of our forgiveness.

Forgiving another person is giving yourself permission to let it go, to release its hold on you, to remove its power from your internal hard-drive.

You will be able to forgive the offender because God will give you the capacity to say, "I forgive what you did to me," and mean it.

Forgiving does not excuse the the injurious act. Faith puts it in God's hands. God comes in and ministers to us in the process.

I woke up in the early hours, wide awake and unable to sleep. As often happens, my mind was working overtime while I was slumbering. The thought had awakened me. My mind had figured out a commonality between my husband who had left me and my injured self. Its insightful tune sent reverberating messages like spinning ping-pong balls bouncing back and forth in my thinking. In the next few moments while sitting on the edge of my bed, I knew that the problem wasn't just my erring mate that had caused pain in our relationship. It was also me. Though I had absorbed much pain, somehow I had failed to realize how much he and I were alike in our angst. In this moment of revelation I began to see my part in causing him pain.
It was convicting to know this about myself.

A Godly sorrow leads to repentance. That morning, I looked at our years of history together, the hard parts that had stung, repeatedly penetrating into the soft layers of our hearts---the twenty-one years of trying but rarely understanding each other. There were many wrongs, most I had forgiven, but their pain was still real. I knew that I must release him, his part in it, and let my silent, white anger go. Then, deal with my part. I found myself writing a list stating the times when I had been ungrateful or unappreciative of his efforts, the times I had caused pain by my words or actions---my tears blurring my vision as the list grew in length.
It was painful, heart-felt.

I called him up and he came over. I knew that I needed to say it, and he needed to hear me say it. I read my list to him after making an apology, briefly pausing when my voice would catch.  I sorrowed for what we both lost in the painful interactions that had snuffed out the life in our marriage. I let go of the silent "you owe me" mentality that had lain dormant, unvoiced, in my mind. Mentally, I released him from the many painful episodes that had damaged me. It was quiet between us when I finished. He stood up, thanked me, then left. He may not have been moved by what I said, but I had changed in my attitude. My chains were gone.  
I was set free.

My acknowledgement that day changed 
my inner person.

It was a cleansing of my heart and mind. 

The light came in and I was different.  New.  Free.

God led me down the path to an offering of  forgiveness and seeking of forgiveness.

It was a new day, a better day, a right thing to do.

I've never regretted it.

The offender's response didn't matter, that wasn't the reason.

What mattered?  I did what I needed to do.
I forgave from my heart.

Healing comes in many forms.
Forgiveness is just one of the many facilitators of this process. Forgiving the one who owes you is to remove yourself from their power over you. The memory of their actions will no longer ferment inside of you because you have given freely of your will in the matter. The torment is defused. By releasing the injury and the person, you are able to live again. No, it isn't fair. No, they didn't get what they deserved. That's not the point. You cannot change them, you can only change yourself.  
Forgiving someone who has wronged you is a spiritual act of divine proportions.

Forgiveness gives you wings to fly again.

Amazon Book Link is HERE

Read more about forgiving and healing in the lives of Jo Ann Fore and other women who have chosen to overcome despite the difficult circumstances in their lives. Each woman's story is the stuff of life. This book is a gripping read that will draw you into the challenges that these women face and the healing they receive.

A spiritual book of #FAITH, #HOPE, and #HEALING.

Norma Brumbaugh is part of the When a Woman Finds Her Voice Book Launch Team.

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