THAT DRATTED ENVY

If only...   I wish...  Not fair....          OH NO! Stinkin' thinkin' crops up once again!

I have never liked it when I feel the pangs of envy. Often envy stems from a sense that someone else has it better than I do. My feelings of envy are not in the area of material possessions, even though I can wish for things like nice homes and beautiful furnishings, but that’s not where it gets me in trouble. My feelings of envy come out of a negative place of comparing myself to others in my accomplishments (or lack there-of), being envious of others when I see them achieve in areas in which I have wished to be successful. 

Like the person who gets the position I have hoped for, or gets the recognition I've never received. The people I watch who receive the promotions or get the jobs or other opportunities of which I have hoped would come my way. The writing contests and book turn-downs can feed this monster called envy--when I see others achieving while I watch on the sidelines after doing the hard work to try to get there. I've wasted a lot of time on empty hopes and dreams. Even those who have successful marriages with a mate who has remained by their side through the test of time can make me feel envious. I don't want to be envious...but it has a way of creeping up on a person.

Lately, envy has presented itself once again. A friend of mine who was just recently widowed is already in a loving caring Christ-centered relationship. My first thought was, “Why her?” “She had her turn.” See, how unloving and unkind the thoughts of envy can produce in me? Really, truth be told, I am happy for her. It’s just I get unhappy for me! In another area, I had a wish, the dream was to write a book that would sell and bless and lead to a ministry to help hurting people. It hasn't happened. I wrote and published the book but it hasn't made it to many readers. This makes me feel disappointed, because I know it is a book that has a message of healing grace. I know it's in God's plan to do with as He wills. Yet. ... Ironically, I became a  part of a team promoting a book for someone else so I can help her realize her dream for ministry. Truthfully, I am pleased for her. I am glad it is going well. It's a great experience and I've been in contact with many amazing women. But once in awhile it makes me feel sad of heart. 

I can feel envy even when I know I shouldn't feel that way. It can bite me. Every part of  this woman's ministry is similar to the ministry I had imagined for myself. In one week of sales, her book has already climbed the charts to a bestseller ranking on Amazon. Envy reared its ugly head again when I checked up on it. I felt wistful and wishful. Sour grapes anybody? Yet, I am happy for her and glad that she is following her heart and has put in the hard work, and I know it is exhausting, to develop a team of caring women to help her move this book forward. Honestly, I believe God has given her a passion for reaching others with a message of hope and healing. I know her heart is in the right place. I know without a doubt that this is God’s ministry for her. Again, I am happy for her, I really am. I bet in the ministry there is pastoral or church envy or the opposite, pastoral or church pride. But, I struggle with sadness for me. Too bad. I shouldn't be sad. I should be glad that God is at work in someone else's ministry. When I think on it that way, I do become glad. It is the grace of God which moves and directs all our paths. I should be good with that. 

The cool thing is, and there is a cool thing, is that I can get out of this funk by looking to my Savior. Who, is receiving "success," is not something I can determine. Only God knows the heart and the work he is doing. And, that makes it okay with me when others do well. I am a dreamer and a believer in the possible positive. Kingdom thinking is what is needed. It's not about others, their performance and successes. If I am where God wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do, and letting Him run my life. We're good. Real good. Knowing this frees me up.

I have matured enough to recognize envy when it knocks on my door. I don't want to sin in my thoughts. I want to be so close to God that none of that matters. I know better than to let it get the best of me. As soon as I see envy in myself I address it and talk horse-sense to myself. Then I give God the glory for what He is doing, even when it is for someone else. Envy is self-focused. I don’t want to be that way. It is my desire to be God-focused and Christ-centered.

I posted on Facebook about my recent bout with envy:

“I had an attack of envy today. I was thinking something wasn't fair because I am not as fortunate as this other person in a certain area. I just hate it when I feel envious of someone else. I don't want to feel that way. At least I realized it for what it was,,,and called it out. "Girl friend, you're feeling envious. Knock it off!" Some things jump up and grab us. We have to dismantle them in a hurry.”

A Friend of mine responded to my comment:

“You might be envious of a few but MANY are envious of you. You are a tough act to follow girl!”

Which just goes to show how silly it is to envy others when in reality, others are envious of us! I looked it up in the Bible, and yes, there are verses that speak of envy. To chase envy away, it helps to live close to the Lord. I think of Oswald Chambers. He said that we should be pleased and content even if we are put in the meanest place on earth. Our hope is Christ, our reward is in Him as well. That puts it all into perspective. If we live in a right relationship with God there will not be room for envy to take over. We can face it and dismantle it and then go on with life, letting God do what He is going to do and then to be content with it. Let it go, let it go, let it go, as the old song says.

Be happy today. 
Be grateful for the little things. 
Look for positives to celebrate. 
Be thankful for your eyesight, hearing, senses, and provisions. 
Recognize all who love you and care about your needs. 
Smile at people as you shop in the grocery store. 
Be friendly. 
Be kind. 
Be caring. 
Love the Lord.

A good way to chase the envies away. Yes!

A Wise vs. Foolish Life

Biblical King Solomon considers and ponders throughout his lifetime the inter-workings of the many pieces which make up the whole. These capture his imagination. With flowing words and to-the-point comments, he shares his reactions be they angry, happy, melancholy, passionate, disillusioned, reflective, spiritual, or sad. Solomon writes at length, unpacking his churning thinking as to the meaning one attributes to love, wisdom, and life. He gets there--to the end--where reason meets truth, to an acknowledging of the Mastermind behind the scenes. He realizes that in the end it is all about God. In his own way stating that we as humans will be best off if we come to an understanding of God’s ways.

Solomon’s reasoning is unveiled for us to contemplate from his gift for pondering the truths and their inner wisdom found by studying details of life as it is lived under the sun. He looks at the reaction that comes as a byproduct result from the action. His book of Proverbs document how closely he was paying attention to the details. In Proverbs we uncover a subtle almost covert warning hidden within its mini messages. 

Solomon wants to caution us against foolishness—the human’s flirt with the wicked, and also to encourage the converse—the human’s desire for that which is righteous. 

It is truly a book to expose the truth and its consequences. King Solomon, the son of a humble shepherd-turned-king, tastes much of what life has to offer. He does not deny himself the pleasures of life. In the end, after much study, contemplation, and reflection, King Solomon states his thoughts on the matter using words that are common to life.

“Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13 KJV)

           For King Solomon to ascertain and make this conclusion after extrapolating a copious listing of all the empty valueless properties in life is a monumental statement in its essence. “All is vanity.” says the Teacher. In this, he realizes one of the minute yet all-powerful views on life. He gets it. His world view is unfolding, he cannot contain his enthusiasm for his contemplations. His readers get a glimpse inside his head to see the depths of these ponderings. Maybe that is why I find his books refreshing, like the slices of meat, tomato, and lettuce arranged between two slices of bread. Don't forget the avocado! Power statements! That, which he finds in life as of worth and value is what is worth connecting with in spirit communing. Solomon concludes, simply stated, that which is real is what the human person is striving so hard to find. 

What is “real” is what gives meaning to life. And then there is a link that connects it together. It is this: That which is real is connected to the Creator in both wisdom and purpose. Solomon is seeing life by looking back over his shoulder, much as I am as I write. He finds that it is beginning to make sense.

My own experiences pale in comparison to Solomon’s. Yet they speak. My moments in life have a message common to experience as they provide a realistic view while seeking to expose some of that which is real in purpose and Presence The way  and how I find God in the midst of the crisis, person, or event. In this walk that is called “life,” a person finds very little that is predictable. If only it could be known  in advance what is “down the road and round the bend.” But, if it were possible to do so, people might not like it. In fact, I am fairly certain most would not be up for the challenge. The troubles that life has a way of throwing at unsuspecting humans seem to take a toll on the emotions, optimism, and belief systems. 

Stepping back from this reality and seeing the lessons learned or the personal growth it exacts can be difficult, painful too, this is true unless a person seeks to see the gifts the problems teach, bring, and give to us. Interventions, implemented by a Divine Love in anyone’s life, can assist us in seeing the bigger picture—the landscape of our human lives that God is painting for all Eternity’s view, a picture so amazing that some day those of us shaped by God will be able to stand back in awe, grateful for those things which seemed so devastatingly impossible at the time, requiring more of us than a person thought possible. In truth, all of life’s goods and bads can be used for personal betterment if a person will allow them to do so. Even the harder more painful episodes have at their core the power to teach, and offer opportunities to reach out in personal understanding, encouragement, and empathy to other co-sufferers. The experiences need not be wasted or buried beneath fractured selves and wounded images. 

The gift that age brings is the ability to see more of the Master Plan that is playing out in our own lives. In this way, we are able to accept the “whys” that seemed so elusive at the time. In-tune people are able to acknowledge the way in which little and big moments have shaped them into the beings they have become and were always meant to be. In this is found a quiet joy. We as humans find that our lives have meaning, value, worth, endurance, with the power to touch other lives. A kind word, a shared opportunity, a quiet gesture, a word of affirmation can give a hand-up to someone that may well last a life-time. A person rarely knows the impact they may have in any given situation, place or event. The gifts that he or she will give or receive that are spontaneous unintentional happenings have in their embodiment the power to reverse a negative message into a positive encounter that will remain as a blessing in our's or another’s life.

COURAGE NEEDED: Going to Court and a Custody Battle

He and I sat on opposite sides in the courtroom.

A day spent together hiking in the outdoors that eventful summer.

Here again. Different venue, but our tangle of emotions alive, sizzling, tense. The memories re-surfaced. We had been at a similar place eight years before, across from each other, lawyers by our sides; the dismantling of our twenty-one years of marital togetherness in the final stages of legal due process. Its finality undeniable. Unwelcome. His lawyer, my lawyer, and documents and legal agreements. He and I were polite, courteous, civil. My attorney had voiced surprise at our calm agreeable treatment of each other. We weren't the arguing type. Never had been. It had seemed strange that day, my mate across from me, not sitting by my side ... when in my mind were still joined as "one." My heart was cleaved in two during the proceedings and the events preceding his choice to exit our marriage and family unit. That had been hard, terribly hard for me. I had believed our marriage could be saved up until the moment of its death. An army of Christian family and friends had prayed for me that day. I had needed their prayers most desperately. 

Here we were again. Yes. Time and circumstances had changed me in the years between. He really had no clue as to how much I had grown in all areas of my life. Difficult growth but positive in every way. My emotional support group, prayer warriors, were at it again. How much I needed their prayers. I felt weak. The darkness was waging war with my family. The pain was back. The process of healing had taken years of repair, not yet complete. Why did we need to come back to this hurting place? It was hard to revisit its turmoil. The wicked darts of emotional warfare were touching all of us: my grown children, young daughter, my ex and me. 

The spiritual battle had descended. We were conflicted over the custodial arrangements for his and my youngest daughter who was twelve at the time. She was wanting to live with him in a neighboring town, no longer with me. When I resisted this plan, words were said. He felt I had turned our children against him. That stung. It was not true. I had  encouraged them to keep the door open. But this scenario was unexpected. I couldn't imagine it as being a good thing for her. After much prayer and advice, I knew that I must get in the fray. I hate conflict. It goes against my nature and beliefs. But, there are times you have no choice, not one you can live with anyways, you know you must take action.

 Quotes are from my book, The Meeting Place.

QUOTE: "My youngest child doesn't want to live with me any longer. The father of my children and my child announced this to me after sixth-grade graduation. It was stated as a fact, as if it had already been decided as a done deal. I was calm but inwardly felt devastated. I spent the week talking with people who have been through things like this, and I talked with others, like the school psychologist and my minister, getting their input and perspective before making my decision whether to agree or not agree to a change of primary custody. I never thought this would happen.

The court battle was upon me. I would be brave, courageous, meeting the challenges. But how to? I didn't wish to hurt him or to set off a negative chain reaction. I had never learned to stand up for myself. He wouldn't expect it of me. It would anger and hurt him. I knew his vulnerabilities. I would speak up for my daughter's sake. Fear. I was afraid. I knew what I was facing. And I knew it would not be well-received. I had become the enemy in this drama. The conflict was causing tension in my daughter. She and I were now at odds, unable to function as should a mother and daughter. Her opinion of me had altered. I was on the "outs." No longer was I able to speak freely, my authority compromised. Things I would say to her were no longer kept between the two of us. I became "suspect" in my own home. Scary and uncertain was this path. It was tense for me. My closest friends were like medicine, listening to me as I tried to figure it out.

My Pastor kept tabs. He heard my hurting heart after I told him about some negative communications that my ex husband had been saying about me to my older children. My four oldest were in varying stages of reacting, taking it in different ways, some in silence, others in words of pain. None of it good. This was upsetting to me. They were being put on a side. It was from the Enemy. His presence was all over it. I knew this. I could see it and feel it. My wish had been to begin a ministry to help hurting people. I had prayed the "Prayer of Jabez" about this desire of my heart. I was beginning to formulate a plan of action. Now I was side-lined into a place where I did not know the right way to proceed. I did know that most of all I wanted to do it God's way. How to do it His way, and also stand up for my daughter's future, was a mystery to me. I am a peace-maker, less a warrior.             

QUOTE: "My pastor gathered people to pray for me after the morning service yesterday.  Before the service started he asked me if this would be okay.  He was aware of the turmoil and comments directed at my adult children and me. Then, at the conclusion of the service, he mentioned the situation and that my family was in need of prayer. He invited those who knew our family and would like to pray to come to the front. I sat on a chair, and they gathered in a circle around me. He briefly explained my situation and cautioned them—that in joining in the spiritual battle by praying for me and my family, they could also expect spiritual warfare in their own lives.

Many prayed, some with tears in their voices. Two who prayed, a young man who is a father of two and a young woman who is a mother of one, both were peers with my oldest two children and knew them growing up in the church; prayed specifically for my four grown children. The young man stayed after to hug me; he said my sons are like brothers to him. I could tell he felt emotion. As people prayed a warmth cascaded around and through me; I could feel the light touch of someone’s hands resting on my shoulders. I felt that many were remembering back to years before, when our family unit of good standing came apart in their midst, and my children and I suffered such deep hurt.

After they were done praying, I told everyone, “I feel loved.” I've never been prayed for in that way before. They love my child, my older children, and me. Two sweet friends gave me hugs, and they spoke with sad voices. I told one friend I had been hoping for healing in my kids lives this summer, but instead it’s been more pain. She said, “God can use this.” How wonderful to be prayed over. What a blessing; the prayers spoke to every area that need speaking to—and with charity toward my ex-husband. Amazing. Before the circle prayer, some who couldn’t stay told me they are praying, and I know they will."

Oh, beautiful, loving friends of God. You came in when I needed the extra measure of courage and stout-heartedness. You loved me when I needed so much to be loved. Standing with me. Holding my hands. Trusting Jesus for the outcome. You went with me as I entered the fiery furnace. You cared about all of us and were kind and nonjudgmental. Thank you. You were real love to me.

QUOTE: "Two days ago I faced a giant. The giant came in the form of facing my ex in court and facing the fear and intimidation it represented for me. I had to present things that would not set well, and I knew it. Courage. I had to pull up the courage to say what needed to be said without losing my dignity and soft-spoken way. I had to confront my own timidity and fears before I could speak the words I knew I needed to say. The prayers of God’s people supported me as I walked into that room. My twelve-year-old daughter’s destiny held in the balance. The verse God gave me this time was, “The battle belongs to the Lord”; such true words. Emotional, critical-to-life thoughts drain me.

Terms of the agreement documented a change in primary custody. My daughter moved to her father's home. My "win" was the agreement for her to attend a private Christian school in my town. It was something I pushed for as a safe-guard for her. I felt grief the days and weeks following her exodus. I worried about her. I continued to walk on egg-shells when she was with me on my weekends. A darkness seemed to hover. She reacted to almost anything I would say. Over time the scene began to change. She started spending more time at my home after school, a mid-week overnight, playing the piano, scarfing down my home-made meals, less defensive, more talkative. I did some changing. Lots of soul-searching and a reassessment of my parenting. God took me to a new level of trust.
 

Piano recital that spring.

And, I realized a true fact, she really just wanted to have a dad. She had no memory of him living with us and I had never remarried. She needed a dad, and more attention to her needs. I had been so busy with teaching school, farming, and church, that her needs were not being met. Especially, her need to be heard. I was forced to reevaluate my busyness.

Going to court is hard. We both want to raise our children. I learned something amazing from the experience. God helped me see His faithfulness as he protected my child and cared for her when I could not be with her. The tide changed again eighteen months later. We faced it with a peaceful resolution.

Amazon Book Link is HERE

QUOTE: The Meeting Place: "The sun is setting after a week of dampness. My heart is full of happiness. God has answered my prayer. My baby, my little girl, my sweet daughter has chosen to return to my care. It has been a sorrowful road, but today she decided for sure. Soon she will live with me again. I had to come up here to mark the joy in my heart and thankfulness now that is mine. Her father called yesterday. He was so pleasant, kind, courteous, different. He seems more aware, even wished me luck on the house I made an offer on yesterday. He said I deserved it, and he hoped I would get it. Wow. I still feel stunned.

QUOTE: 'Thank you, Jesus. Thank you with my whole heart. Thank you for my daughter, for my ex, and his willingness. I praise you, I adore you, magnify you, glory in you. Praise be to God for his amazing grace and ever-faithful ways. During joyless weeks, I found my true joy in you, dear Father God. So blessed by your presence I have been. You moved so quickly after an eighteen-month wait—a long time in which I learned to find my rest in you. You alone give rest in the midst of emotional and physical crises in my life. How good you are to me. Your comfort fills me. ... I wish more people had eyes to see your beauty."

We learn through all of life's experiences. How glad I am that God gives me what I need when the battle is upon me. I am also grateful for the times when the battle is over, when I can look back and see the goodness of God that kept and helped and interceded during the trial and times of woe. Praise Him! ....                                      

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A Place of Light in the Darkness .. Meridian Minute no. 21

MERIDIAN MINUTE  no. 20

Loving God as our first love means we will have a daily awareness of our need for God.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.                                          Mark 12:30

We love many things don't we? I think of my favorite foods, books, people, movies, scents, clothes, tastes in artwork, music, and places to be. These are the things that make life enjoyable and worth the journey. Loving God, is a combination of all of these goods in life and that thing called more which I have mentioned several times in my writings. God made us to want more. The more is more of Him. 

The interesting part of this reality is that when we receive more of God in awareness of Him, we crave more and more and more. In this, God satisfies a deep need within us for truth and purpose. Notice, the verse doesn't say Know more about God with all your heart, mind, and soul. It's "Love the Lord ..." Love will initiate knowing. This is a byproduct of the loving. All parts fully engaged in the loving of God ... with the mind, the soul, the heart, and the strength.

We drift from God-loving as our focal point when the focus is or becomes person-centered as more important than the maintaining and developing of a personal relationship with God.

Some have yet to fall in love with God. Loving God comes when you trust Him with your needs, wants, and desires, looking to Him to be your all-in-all. Trust, true trust, means letting go of the picture you have in your mind for yourself in order to become the picture God has in His mind for your life.

Loving God as your first love has many characteristics. The following list is not exhaustive.

• Love that delights in the Lord is secondary to the love of someone else
• Love that is real longs for fellowship with God
• Love for God and thoughts of Him enter your thinking during times of leisure
• Love like this does not make excuses for wrong behaviors that are not of God
• Love that is God-centered means that giving will be cheerfully and freely given
• Loving from the heart is to love others as Christ loved
• Loving from the heart is to forgive others as Christ forgave them
• Loving from the heart is to view God's commands as expressions of His love 
• Loving God will mean to seek God's approval rather than human acknowledgment
• Love like this will be shared with others rather than hidden from view
• Loving God means being sensitive and willing to give up that which offends 

How do we do this?
Seek God with your whole heart. Be intentional. Tell Him that you want to know Him. That's what I did. He understands and will reveal Himself in His way. Find God as your first love above all else. Pray, fast, give, meditate, memorize scripture ... practice spiritual disciplines as a way to increase your love for God. Study of the Bible's words will increase your understanding. The Gospels, Romans, the books of John are all great places to start. Psalms offers the comfort during the hard stressful times. Philippians gives peace and joy and practical thoughts for living the spirit-filled spiritual life. These are places to begin walking in deeper relationship with God.

Note: Concepts in this blog gleaned from a sermon given by Pastor Larry Peterson