I Heard Her Heart

I heard her heart. It was full of pain. I listened as she spoke of her daughter, grandchildren, and lost hope, her tears, though held back, causing her voice to soften or catch. Life in the raw. Disappointment. A reality that says it is not what you expected it to be, the fear for the daughter and her lack of happiness, the sadness of the grandchildren being raised in a lifestyle contrary to that which is healthy or spiritual in nature. It’s hard to lose your children but when you know that they were taught the truth and were loved well and rightly, at least you know that they know and will not forget.  But the grandchildren, that is another story. The sorrow is compounded when the little ones are immersed in that which is on the slope of the detrimental. I prayed and I hugged her. We went our separate ways. But, I will remember.  And I will feel a bond with her in spirit, knowing she put her trust in me by sharing the truth of  the reality that is tearing her heart and causing it to bleed.

Her story is one of many I’ve listened to, a familiar refrain in this day of few boundaries and many vices, homes being rocked in chaos. One can pray, once can care, but ultimately one is responsible for one’s own self and your reaction to the situation.  The love of God constrains us. It both limits (our reactions) and it frees (turn the other cheek).  Not only did I hear her heart, I was moved to pray. And I will pray...for God to cover her with His feathers, to give strength when it is needed, courage when the day is long, wisdom during the times of uncertainty, forgiveness when bitterness wages war, and for miracles that only He can bring.  God is in the business of miracles. I believe and know this is true.

I am proud of her too. Every Sunday she and her husband drive an hour and a half to get the grandchildren so they can be in church and away from the negative influences. They spend the day with the grands and then drive another hour to take them home. It is a sacrifice in time and gas money.  But the grandchildren love it, and for a short while they receive boundless love and grace at a little country home with horses, goats, and pigs and I’m not sure what else! Their grandmother said that they cry when it’s time to leave.  Although, she said, they are happy to return back to their home as well. And she and her husband help and fix things and do everything they can to build a bridge to their daughter and son-in-law. That is what one should do. God sees this, and He knows, understands, and helps. We never know the future but we know the God of the future.  With Him, nothing is wasted. I have found this to be quite true. Beauty from ashes.

Things Not Talked About: Abuse in the Religious Community & Church

This is a topic I never dreamed I would write about. Abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, they’re all out there. Abuse is rampant in our society. For many years I was a public school teacher, and also a mandatory reporter of anything that looked suspicious. It comes with the job. Did I ever make a report? You bet. More than once. There are times when a mandatory reporter saves a life. In today’s world, there is a greater awareness of what abuse looks like than there used to be. It is an uncomfortable business. We also have children who know how to cry “wolf” if they think it will be to their advantage, especially in custody battles, claiming mistreatment of some kind. They understand how it works. A young lady may accuse someone of rape, when there was no rape. I assume that is more the exception than the rule. Children do show up at school with bruises, burns, and wounds. It is a terrible thing.

However, we haven’t grown used to talking about abuse in the church or in religious families. In recent years, we’ve heard about catholic priests preying on young children. They’ve received the most press. Sadly, that is only the beginning of what is starting to be reported.

This article will highlight some areas in religious circles in which abuse is now being reported. It has opened my eyes and made me weep for the many victims of another person’s rage, sexual assaults, emotional domination, or cruel control. The sufferers of abuse are many. They cannot put off the damage to their person-hood like you take off a coat. Rather, it takes years, often a life-time to put to rest the demons unleashed through abuse. And the lies believed.

I have decided to refrain from documenting the names of people and publications, or web addresses. However, everything I will share comes from a publication or first-hand account. These stories can be substantiated. I prefer to stay clear of this side of things. However, I am willing to dialogue in a private email at nlbrumbaugh@gmail.com.

STORY 1

I was browsing the web to find a Baptist mission’s address when I came upon an article about a man, a missionary doctor, who had sexually abused different missionaries’ children and summer interns. I recognized his name. Early in his missionary career, this doctor had been reprimanded for an adulterous affair with an intern, but received counsel and then continued on with serving on the field. The first young woman to formally accuse him of sexual molestation, a fourteen year old, was forced to recant by the mission board, to sign a confession that she had made it up. However, it was true. Years later, other women came forward reporting the same thing had happened to them. Several molestations were reported. By this time, this missionary doctor was in the United States practicing medicine and was a leader at one of the Baptist colleges. One of the articles was written by a man, this doctor had been his children's general practitioner. He was sickened when the allegations were made public. I remembered the doctor from when I went to college. His work on the mission field was highly respected. He and his work was often referred to as a fine example of a prime servant in the service of God. I remembered seeing a movie about his work on the mission field. Wow! This was shocking! The mission board had been slow to act after the victims came forward, preferring to stall and keep it in-house, rather than having an outside group do some fact-finding. It ended up costing the president of the mission organization his job.

STORY 2

A woman in a writing group I am a part of was describing her childhood, the abuse she suffered as a child cloistered away in a fundamentalist institution of higher learning. She (and one hundred victims over time) had lived on campus at this isolated college. The victims were the children of staff members, families who lived on the grounds. This strict college did not allow women and men to speak with each other in public. She could not talk with her brothers even when they passed each other. Her father was on staff. The family was not given freedom to go elsewhere. All meals and activities centered in this closed Christian community (that failed its children). No one was allowed to go other places. The Christian authority was strict and demanding. To deviate was to invite severe repercussions. This woman has a youtube video where she describes what it was like to live in such a situation where you have no alternative, and no outlet. The biblical teachings were severe, demanding. Yet, there was the sexual abuse. I believe she was quite young when this happened, yet I'm not positive. The sexual abuse was something that stole her virginity and made her feel like she had lost the very thing that a good Christian boy would desire in his future mate. Her story was quite sad, more than sad, tragic. I checked out her claims on the web, guessing at the college from the little information she had given in her disclosure. I found it. Some people I knew had attended that college in the 1970s, students who later attended the Christian college where I was a student. They would talk about the separation of the sexes and the strict environment. The allegations of abuse had plenty of documentation. That college has changed leadership in recent years. I listened to a video of the current president addressing the issue and its investigation. He does not deny that wrongdoing has happened, he acknowledges that something happened in the staff's families. He continued on to say that it is a past chapter, and that the college is handling the reports in-house. I have to feel that this must seem very unsatisfactory to the victims. They deserve more than a brush-off. But, that is only my opinion.

STORY 3

A woman I know was sexually abused by someone in her church when she was a teenager. It was on-going. That abuse was the start of a descent into promiscuity and a living hell before she came to the end of it. Today she is still trying to deal with the destructive memories that come unbidden as her mind replays the abuse. In the church? More than we realize. It has come close to home. Not in my own family but in other situations. I can think of two people I know who have preyed on others. Men of the church known for their upright views. Their wives, unsuspecting at the time. One of the men was convicted and went to prison. From what I've been told, his was the greater crime. His wife and family have suffered terribly because of this. My heart has hurt for them. My children used to ride to church with this couple for youth group on Sunday evenings. My first thought when it became public was, what about my children? In the other situation, a  woman, close to forty,  told me about her youth leader, a man who led in several capacities in the church, had made overtures toward her at various times, once trying to kiss her at a youth event when she was away from the group, often embracing her when she entered the church on Sunday mornings. Her parents were unsuspecting, encouraging her to be involved in the church’s youth group, thinking he was just being friendly. She never told. It was years later that she was telling me about it, yet she still shivered at the unpleasant memory. Some have suffered more than a kiss. I’ve read several personal stories of women who were sexually abused by someone in the church. They are women I have contact with, who are seeking inner healing through interventions and God's grace. They need to heal and restore, trying to reclaim the young girl they lost--who was them as an innocent. It appalls me that anyone would use their position in the church to take advantage of a child or youth. But, it happens. Probably more than we realize. I can imagine the scar, and the mixed feelings about church and religious people and God, that love-hate thing.

STORY 4

The local paper ran a story about a religious couple who had punished their adopted daughter with a rubber tube for mispronouncing a word during her home-school reading lesson. The punishment continued on for a long period causing internal damage. Eventually, the child went limp. The parents took her to the hospital but the child died. The parents are now in prison for the murder of this child. The paper said that they isolated their children from others, and they followed a book that many home-school families use, as their guide for discipline. It is written by a couple who believe in corporal punishment to the extreme, deprivation, and so forth. Two of the natural born children in this family, attended school with my daughter at a Christian school after their parents were arrested. It was horrible for these two teenagers during the trial of their parents. They feared that they would be asked to testify. Since then, I have read in the paper of two other children who have died from similar circumstances, both were punished by homeschooling parents who were following the advice in this book, one who died was a child adopted from out of the country. The similarities were striking. Alarming. On the flip side, I have read articles about the difficulties of adopting children with attachment disorders, who were deprived of affection to the extent that it has impacted their ability to adjust to the new home. Some are extremely violent and destructive.  Drugs in the womb can cause this as well. Special help is needed.  It is a difficult situation requiring knowledgeable human resources. 

Home-schoolers are uniting as well. Many feel they were treated severely and isolated from being given the opportunity to sustain healthy relationships or even to access general knowledge like how to order a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Escaping the parental dominion and control is almost impossible in some homeschool families. Don't misunderstand me, I’m not opposed to homeschooling. But, there is growing evidence that some children have been mistreated to an unknown extent.The homeschooled children are the ones speaking out. The public viewpoint is that on the average homeschooled homes are better than many regular-schooled homes, which is why they are not monitored, and, really, they should have their independence. The point is, if the home becomes violent. punitive, or over-bearing, it will harm the child emotionally and quite possibly, physically.

COMMENT

In closing, much is wrong with this picture. Some of this abuse may stem from ignorance or wrong beliefs, like in the homeschooling situation, which is overly severe or punitive, where children are guilted for having a differing view.  Others are injurious to emotional, physical, and mental health for victims suffering from all kinds of abuse. Most have been threatened with death or death to their families if they dare(d) to talk. So, they suffer(ed) in silence, unable to get free of the violator. Last night I read two long articles. One was a list of homeschoolers who were blogging about the difficulties in their experiences. A young man, a former homeschooled child (from a good home-school situation) had compiled their stories. He was still reeling from the experience, bothered by what he had observed and recorded. I could tell this by how he was writing it. The other story was written by a man who has recently written a book chronicling the abuses by priests in the catholic church. He has written a blog where he quotes a man who still has faith but not belief, that is, belief in the one apostolic church. The church has robbed him of his beliefs, but not of his faith. His abuser was never brought to trial for his crimes and is dead now. The church covered up the priest's tracks and moved him when the seat got hot.The man said that there would never be justice because the church doesn't care about the victims. That's scary stuff.

Part of me has grown up in a state of denial. I would read an article like this and think people were fabricating the information. I didn’t want to believe it could be true. Maybe some of the accusations aren’t/weren’t true. But, I doubt very many of them are/were that way. The exception? Unless the person is a liar who has a history of making allegations (which is true at times, causing good people to be maligned--which is why there are investigations). I am aware why a church might cover-up a situation. It doesn’t bode well for the church. But, when the allegations are not believed or are ignored, the victim then realizes that the church doesn’t really care about them. When this is the case, the church or institution cares more about its programs and its reputation than its people. In the past, some church leaders were allowed to continue serving despite the knowledge of their past sexual abuse, some continued living a life of harming others. How could a church be so callous, so uncaring? Pretty easy, it seems. They know the perpetrator and like him or her. They also may have a measure of doubt. And, quite possibly, they just don't care about the right things. I'm guessing. I really can't speak for others.

As a strong believer in the church’s roles and responsibilities, I think we MUST be aware and proactive in protecting our children and young people. I believe we MUST be vigilant in making sure that everyone is safe in our programs. We must be bold where it is needed. We must create plans and structures to PREVENT opportunities for abuse to happen behind closed doors. We must not leave children alone with one adult. Lastly, we MUST be kind with those whom have known abuse, helping them with their recovery.

Honesty is the best policy. It's true. The church needs to address the issue when there has been abuse. The church needs to offer help for those who need to go through a healing process. We must become aware and active.  True religious belief MUST be bound to Christ, not to a man. 

A statement about those who abuse or have abused: I believe God can and will forgive and set free. I believe in forgiveness and the power of love. I also believe one should make right, restitution, when one has caused pain to another, whether emotional, physical, or sexual. What hurts the most is when no-one says it was wrong, or acknowledges that there was wrong-doing. A girl, who was hurt despicably in her home, once said, "The hardest part was that no-one said to me that what was happening to me was wrong." Teachers and adults ignored the evidence. She now goes around the country speaking about what sexual abuse looks like, informing educators so they can become aware of the signs that point to children who are being assaulted or exploited. 

Even at the end of a tumultuous journey, an abuser can still say the words, "I'm sorry." There is healing in those words. 

For the ones of you who are reading this blog who were abused. I am sorry that the abuse happened to you. It wasn't right. I know it hurt you. You lost something dear to you during the abuse, your sense of self-worth, your identity, your right to be loved and honored, and your personal dignity. Although I can do nothing to change what has happened, I do know that God can and will extend His love to you. Seek Him until you find Him. Find a place where you can heal and be set free. It is a process that will take time and effort. There are people who can help you. A starting place might be, www.joannfore.com, a good site for women, especially if you would like anonymity. JoAnn Fore was abused and found healing. Many women share on her website. Catherine Darnell is another woman who has overcome (Hope's Tapestry). Mary DeMuth, as well. All three write on this topic and can be found on the web. God bless you. Norma

* * * * *
Written in connection with, "When a Woman Finds Her Voice," by JoAnn Fore.

 

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THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE, A CHRISTMAS TALE

The man made his way to the gate. Head bent, trench coat braced to the wind. Yes. This was the place. Overgrown with ivy, its black metal spikes pierced the darkness of the moonlit night. Its ancient posts signified a defense against the outside world. A mangy dog padded twenty paces behind him, paused, then sat on its haunches. Its head followed the man’s every move. The dog’s ears twitched, an alert reflex as they twisted toward the train rails to and from town. Resisting the urge to launch a rock at the hound, the man peered at the gate. Remembering. Was it a decade or two decades ago that this place had been called his home? Where he had supped with others of like-minded thinking. Desperate straits had brought him back. This was a last resort. The end of the line.

Wooo-woot. He could just barely hear the engine whistle. Must be the midnight rail. Locating what he was looking for, his hand couldn’t contain its unwelcome tremor. Could he really do this thing? Can a person ever really make peace with the past? His misdeeds had been many. His errors dark as the grime on his unwashed hand. The bell, a twelve inch affair, remained still. His hand tightly grasped the chain. His fingers traced the cross on its side above the rim. Indecision stopped him. Thud, thud, thud, the racing heart beat its staccato rhythm as alarm rose in his chest. Better do this thing, he encouraged himself, before I lose my nerve ... before its too late.

Clang. Clang. Clang. The sound pierced the frozen night air. No. They wouldn’t send him away on Christmas Eve. He was sure of it. He listened. The sound of feet tapping on cold stone pavement. Rustling of clothing increasingly becoming louder. The hound’s hair began to rise.

“Who rings?” The voice inquired.

“A stranger. One of your former brothers.”

“By what name are you called?”

“Just a friend who will cause no harm. My name will remain undisclosed. I am in need of your hospitality.”

An aging cleric peered through the slits. His eyes squinted as they focused on the bent figure. He unlocked the lock, then lifted the peg from the ground. The gate swung open with nary a squeak as it offered its path to salvation. The cleric gestured. The stranger followed then paused while the great gate closed behind them. The hound slunk over to the gate’s pier, huddling in a circle for body warmth.

A wooden door opened. The hallway echoed, their steps making strident sounds in the empty darkness. Sconces held lamps lit in somber yellow light. They passed a fountain. Its memory brought a stinging sensation to the traveler’s eyes. I remember. Oh, how I remember. Regret crashed inside his head. He swept his brow to push the thought aside. That was then, but this is now. They continued on in silence. He had forgotten how incredibly silent this place could be.

“Remain here.” The cleric's vestments swished, announced his departure.

“We’ve been expecting you. Come in. View our relics.” A voice came alive from the next room; masterful, calm, authoritative, rich—peaceful. He was not given a choice. Enter he must. The shivering lessened. The visitor rubbed his chapped hands; he wished he had gloves to hide their filth. He stepped inside the room. The voice continued on; it commanded truth from him, “Tell me about yourself.”

“Well, I, uh, it’s a long story, not very pretty. I’ve done a lot of wrong things, hurt people,” the words jumped out in a nervous jabber. He couldn’t quite make them behave. “I came because I want to make my peace. My life is over. I’m wanted ...  and I’m tired.  They will find me. Soon.” He gulped, his throat dry. In a whisper the rest was laid bare in a silent plea of regret. “I wanted to see this place one last time, to say,” ... the voice hesitated ... “I’m sorry. To seek forgiveness." ...  "Before ...” His voice trailed off. The words spilled forth from a deep longing inside the haunted man. He saw the impossibility. It was too late. “Please forgive me for intruding. I’ll be leaving now. I shouldn’t ‘ve come. Really. It was bad of me. This place is not for the likes of me. I’m sorry.” A sigh escaped as he hung his head. It was over. His demise was eminent, he'd come prepared. He fingered inside his pocket--still there. It would culminate in the early hours of Christmas Day. The end was near, indeed. All hope erased, it had been a weak hope to begin with. Yes, the end of the line.

“I said, you were expected,” the voice spoke again as if not hearing the confessor’s confession. The traveler's confusion mounted. He glanced at the tall man standing a few feet to his side. How could this be?

The room burst into light. It was a museum. In awe the man looked around him.  Horror surfaced at what he gazed. Each table had an artifact. Their repulsive images caused the man to retch, to involuntarily step back in confusion. His eyes glanced around. On each glass table was a pink-skinned creature long dead, denude of fur, it’s head and feet removed, each mounted to a table surface. The man gasped. They seemed to beckon. Remember? The urge to escape was in panic mode. But he remained, transfixed, glued to the spot. Something powerful was at work. 

The stranger’s gaze rested on the first creature. What was it? ... “Poof,” it disappeared. What? Then his eyes rested on the next image. ... “Poof,” it was gone. His eyes looked at each image, recoiling at their ugliness, but remaining motionless until the beam from his eyes joined that of the image until it dissolved into nothingness. He looked at the last creature, an over-large phantom-freak with repulsive pig-like features. He spoke in a fragment of a whisper, “You, too.” ... The thing disintegrated.  Depletion emptied him of all feeling. What did it mean? The robed figure nodded. Yes. An awareness entered. Gone. It was gone. Finally.  ...  Peace.

“You are free to leave or free to stay. It is your choice to make. All are welcome. None are turned away.”

...

The scraggly hound lifted its head, howled its lonely bay as a train clattered frantically into the silent night.  On the other side of the gate Christmas claimed its miracle.

~~||~~

~Peace on Earth~

Though your sins be as scarlet,  they shall be as wool.

So You Want to Write a Book? The Down and Dirty Details

There is a formula for everything. Writing is no exception. Selling a book is no exception. I wrote a book and self-published through an independent publisher. I gave them my money and they completed the process. I also paid a good amount for three things: book press release, advertising in a magazine publication, and an author WordPress blogsite. I was pleased with the book, happily so. The advertising was a bust, it generated very few sales. My first book, right? To be expected. The website had its problems, I couldn't manipulate it satisfactorily. To keep in the know, I tracked my book's progress via Amazon.  

Who bought my book? Mostly my friends, family, college friends, people who know me---my contacts. That was about it from what I can tell. A few more are buying it as my contact list expands. What now? I ended up giving away a lot of books, even a couple of books to solicit reviews for my Amazon site, a couple of these came through but most didn't. I found that people liked my book. I received wonderful comments in person and in notes. One man said it even did more for him than reading Oswald Chambers. High praise. I was glad it was well received, validating my ability to communicate effectively. 

It was discouraging to put it lightly. Most readers didn't post reviews and far too many books sat on the shelf waiting to find their readers. I figured that more people would like my book if they had a way of knowing about it.When you're an unknown and unproven author who is self-publishing in a flooded market, it is not surprising at all. People have to know about you and they have to know you have something to say is worth the time it takes to read your book. I believed in my message. In fact, I believed it was one of hope and help for the despairing---they needed it.

What to do? Six months ago I realized it was up to me. I decided to learn more about book marketing. I found out it's not just about having a blog and twitter (which I had been faithfully using), google plus or linked-in (I am also a part of) or facebook and blogging. These in themselves are not enough for an unknown author if they are a random hit-and-miss effort. It matters how they are used, in what way, in purposed endeavors and so forth. It matters if they are a streamlined approach with a consistent message, one that creates fidelity to its brand. This matters very much in getting a book noticed and in improving an author presence on the web---if one wants to be taken as serious in the book writing business, and if an author wants their writings to become known in the big business of books. Another element that is quite necessary is intentional contact with online communities and people in the field. Connecting with others in the field is critical to establishing an on-line presence.

I have learned that there are many formulas. A week ago I wrote in my journal the following list. I have to confess, I was feeling some burnout as I wrote it, a bit sarcastic in tone. Sort of smiling and venting at the same time, I chronicled my awareness of formulas necessary for book writing/marketing success. This came after completing a six week marketing class which was completed while I was also participating in another author's book launch team. Both endeavors consumed copious hours of my time. Both very helpful and challenging to me as a novice in the field. So much to learn. Amazing

What kind of formulas? There are literally . . .

• Formulas for titles, that is, if you want search engines to pick them up. You will want to use words that emotionally connect with the reader to entice them into wanting that particular book, titles that say Buy Me!
• Formulas for book covers, that is, if you want that instant eye appeal. Use that professional font which works according to the specific venue, book covers that show skill, visual appeal, expertise, (non-indie looking!), high-quality, like amazing!
• Formulas for marketing, that is, if you want to get noticed in a high-octane world. This is essential---to sell your brand, to make a noise, to find your niche, to create a following that will open up a way for you to stake a claim in the overcrowded market of recently published books.
• Formulas for networking, that is, creating a platform that gets noticed in a busy world, a place for people to find you, to recognize your product, to pay attention to your voice, and, did I say, to get your point of view across that will make you stand out in the crowded marketplace.
• Formulas for a successful author enterprise, that is, that pays your way, this includes selling on the side, re-purposing content from teleseminars, publishing sets of ebooks, virtual blog tours to increase traffic to your site, audio conferencing in your field, podcasting and radio blogging for the audio listener, and video trailers for visual learners, google-plus interviews and expanding of author circles for the name association and contact base, and, the all important, making money through the links and contacts from your blogging site or other, and writing more books to sell your already published books, a worthy endeavor. Keep them coming! And, we’ll start/keep buying them....at least that’s the theory. I’ll let you know if it works for me!
•  Formulas for indies, that is, for the independent writer who self-publishes their work. You must do the work, become someone who knows a way to hone your craft, publish the work on a shoe-string, and have a chance at the global market place. It helps to know what an “indie” is, I didn’t know at first. Crazy!
• Formulas for the book writing, that is, include the necessaries. Get the services and formats you need to propel a good book forward: book editing, book shepherds, Amazon book search words, book reviews, book launch team, book promotion agenda, and don't forget those ratings! Get those ratings to work for you so you can hit those coveted Best Seller rankings. And, did I say, sell lots of books. Do this. To sell your books you may have to give free ebooks away. It’s one more formula for success.

The list is not exhaustive. It includes many other possibilities: Author Central, Facebook author pages, and on-line book clubs exist. All to help the author and the reader find each other. A good thing, too. It all takes time and know-how. Keep on trekking, or should I say, keep on learning and applying.

If I have learned one thing in the last few months of gathering information about this author enterprise, it is this: In today’s world you can’t assume your book will sell on its own merit. A few get lucky, I know. But not most of us. You must do much much more. The author must wear another hat. Best seller rankings, number crunching in the Amazon categories, and a whole craft is devoted to this second side of authorship. Selling the book. The sales are up to you as the author. The newly published or soon-to-be published author must become savvy. No keeping the head buried in the sand will do. Life will pass you by. In your closet will sit stacks of books unsold, unread, unknown, a book unread by unknown readers who don’t even know your unsold book exists. They don't know you have a public offering written that will increase awareness in your area of expertise.

If I sound jaded, I’m not. Overwhelmed is more accurate. However, I am learning. One doesn’t try to do it all. You take one thing, and learn it well. At the same time, you begin learning the second step. Eventually, you determine what are the right areas for you. No one can do it all. Rather than do many things poorly, do a few things well. Books will begin to sell, at least, it’s my understanding that they will. I will continue to learn as I go and increase my visibility in the process. One of the best side-benefits is this, I am gaining some new friends on this book publishing journey.

The Down and Dirty business? Well, one has to do the hard work, put in the effort, become efficient and productive, get your feet wet. Keep at it. Do it! 

I wish you well in your authoring venture.