Not Alone

Have you ever felt like you were pushed up against the wall and there was no way of escape? I don't like the feeling. As I lay awake this week into the early morning hours contemplating my misery not knowing the best way to deal with an impossible (at least it felt impossible) situation. I felt full frustration and anger with that which I could not change and do not have the resources to alter.  It felt like an impasse, me against my foe (which I won't take the liberty to tell you!). But, as always, a break-through came eventually. It involves something I will call "surrender".

 Many times over I have come to places in my life when I have been literally overwhelmed, too anxious or weary to deal with a situation, taking me to a place where I have had to fully trust in God to get me through it.  Every time it is different than before, not only is the situation different, but my dependency on God alters in some way.  No two experiences are identical. The curious thing is, as a result I will feel a sense similar to that of the lightning of a load; a burden, or care, its darkness being lifted and peace entering as it flees. It is one of those things which can be explained but is not understood until once experienced.

As a timid person, I have had many fears. But the hardest things for me are those things which come my way uninvited, things that I don't think I can surmount the obstacles. For other people, they have their own set of challenges. I think our Father God must long to hear us say, "Father, I can't do it.  Help me.  I need you, I can't do this but I know you can. Show me the way and help me.  I can't do it without you. I ask for wisdom, strength and your help.  I love you." It is the cry of a child in need of a parent. The parent is gentle, wise, and all-caring.  How glad I am for his gift-love to me, and that I am not alone in the time of difficulty.

As morning guilds the sky

As I write this, I am watching the sunrise from my kitchen window.  It is God's greeting to me this morning.  I love sunrises and sunsets, They have their part in making a day into a moment of transformation and transfixion.  Last night I was walking outside as the sky morphed from blue into a blend of pink-purple softness.  God's adieu to me. Lovely!  But, now it is a new day.  The sunlight as it emerges in subtle whisperings infuses light into our lives and cheerfulness to brighten our hearts.  

I think of two fields with acres of sunflowers I passed each day on my way to work this fall (I live in the country).  One particular field was stunning.  The sunflower heads were raised to the morning sunlight in a sea of yellow happiness.  I wish I had stopped long enough to take their picture.  Right now in my viewing, there are pink strata lines of clouds across the baby-blue sky, below these pink strips is an orange-yellow outline above indigo-tinged mountains.  Ebony English walnut trees are reaching to the sky in ghostly silhouette images in front of this panorama; a magnificent pine tree rises above them all as it points to the heavens. Gorgeous!    

Often a mixture of songs will play their words in my mind as I look at the morning light opening up in its radiance.  It is a nice way to get pumped up for a new day.  This year I've spent many mornings leaving for work in darkness just as the sun was beginning to come up.  As While driving south I would watch as the sun rose from a nothingness into a full pulsating yellow-oranged orb.  Beautiful.  As delicious as savoring a yummy chocolate when you're on a diet, making the day a bit brighter and better.  I'd say to myself, I would have missed that if I didn't go to work. It has been a stressful school year for me, so I've looked for the little things to celebrate.  It is a beautiful day in God's kingdom.  

Ya gotta be flexible . . .

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about students I have taught over the years, experiences with children and colleagues.  For around ten years I taught reading as my main contribution in the field of education.  At first it was small reading groups from first, second, and third grades plus the business of directing the instructional aides on site. I chose my own curriculum.  Next it was the addition of a fourth grade block of English Language Arts instruction using the Houghton Mifflin reading series for 12  remedial students who had reading challenges, in addition to my regular reading groups.  That year I learned a program called Phonics for Reading which I implemented to help these students receive instruction where there were gaps.  

Next, fifth and sixth graders  were added into my schedule for me to teach English Language Learning strategies using another program called Santillana.  A couple of years later I found myself teaching a scripted program called Corrective Reading (Reach) with groups of 4th and 5th, and 6th -8th.  This was my biggest challenge yet.  With 45 children in the program, we rotated them every two weeks.  It was during this time that I uncovered some strategic bullying going on amongst some students.  This was dealt with immediately by the administration and caused some consternation and anger on my students part with some of it directed at me.  But I weathered the storm.  My first experience teaching kindergarten  was also last year when I taught two programs new to me, Writing Without Tears-penmanship and K-PALS, a phonological program.  


This year is a turnaround for me with straight fourth grade and several new programs to implement:  Treasurers reading series, Kevin Clark's Sheltered English Instruction, Olweus Anti-bullying program, Peaceful Playgrounds, and EDI learning strategies, Accelerated Reader to boost reading... and the beat goes on.  I am getting more and more computer literate and have learned how to enter students grades in an electronic grade book system and am now asking and reporting absences on line.  This is my first year teaching students who are at grade level in eight years.  Most of my career has been in the realm of remedial instruction.  


Right now we're in the middle of writing California Mission Reports and learning about minerals and rocks.  My students have high interest in these subjects.  They are an energetic group.  I'm catching on to how fourth grade works and am seeing some successes.  My students are second language learners except for two students  I do miss teaching my favorite subject, reading.


Well, if I am a little tired or stressed, now you know why.  But, it still is a worthy occupation.  

To be or not to be-Being whom we are meant to be

A common thread has been running through my reading these past few months.  Interestingly enough, it is in tandem with the path that I am taking that is yet to be explored and is just opening up.  Not every book I've been reading has been of my selection so it is rather curious that they are converging on the road less traveled.  Last night I returned my attention to reading the book, Find Your Strongest Life, by Marcus Buckingham, a read my Book Dinner group is working through, and found that once again another author is speaking to the issue of calling although in a completely different way and without using the word for it is primarily a secular work.  The author suggests that when we are doing what we were created to do, working in our strongest areas, we will be energized instead of depleted.  

By looking at ourselves objectively and identifying those things on the "+" column which are those things which bring us peace and joy, but identifying on the "-" side, those things which drain us and keep us feeling like we're working so hard all the time, we can slowly determine what it is that we really should be doing.  Even though we may be functioning especially well in other areas in areas of employment, they may fall short.  Personally, I can understand this because I am living the personal struggle of being good at my craft in teaching yet desiring another direction that would free up my time to contemplate and write and enjoy life a bit more than I am now.  I suppose the difficulty rests in having the need to support oneself.  

I mentioned in a facebook post awhile back that Os Guiness wrote a book that talks about "Calling".  He said we all have a calling and we all have a purpose for which we were created.  We will not be contented nor fulfilled until we are right where we should be in God's beautiful purpose for our life.  That is also the premise in The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren which has reached many people with the simple truth of the meaning of life, more specifically, the meaning and purpose of every individual life.  The minister of my church flock often says it this way, we should be in the center of God's big will for us.  

It is hard to always know these things or to even take personal inventory of our life for we do much to please others and to fulfill commitments and obligations.  Buckingham encourages people to keep a notepad handy and throughout the week write down each activity which makes you feel strong/happy when you are doing it and conversely, write down each thing that you do that seems tedious or draining (even if you're great at doing it).  In this way you can start opening up to expanding on the things that are your personal bent  and maybe even your destiny.  As a person of faith, I believe that in it all there is a will of God that is shaping and helping us become whom we are meant to be.