My first thought
upon waking this morning was that I really should tell my readers what led me
to write my book, THE MEETING PLACE: Moments with God at
Lookout Point. I want to encourage you to buy a
copy, not because it is exceptional nor fancy, not because it would go to my
ego or increase sales. NOT FOR ME. FOR YOU! Because this book has something to
give, that is real, that will touch you or move you. It is written for those
who have suffered. It leads to a place
of comfort. Let me explain.
BACKGROUND~
I hurt. What took me to the Lookout in the
first place was the pain in my heart. I found myself there, surrounded by its
beauty on Good Friday morning in 2009.
The pain came from a broken heart, something that had happened six
months before and continued on and on, causing me a sadness I could not
remove. He had been the best friend I
had ever known in the male category. I found in him a kindness and
thoughtfulness I had not known before. He made me feel like the most beautiful
woman in the world. When he looked at me, the term “adored” comes to mind. I had been divorced for five years, and he was
the first one I allowed to come close. The damage I had sustained years earlier had destroyed a part of me, that part that believes in one’s own value
and the tender graces that make up a woman of God.
No, people couldn’t see it, yet it was there. I had kept myself from dating
so I could become well in my person before opening that door, if I ever would. Besides,
I was too busy with church, family, and work! I never had done the singles
thing, I had no interest in it. It was
my daughter in college who wanted me to get out of my rut, and wanted to see me
smile again. She decided to help me move forward with an on-line dating service which matches personalities and interests. She did this while I
was cooking Easter dinner, asking me a myriad of questions as she entered my responses. E-Harmony soon matched me with him. We lived in neighboring towns. We were friends for many months before
becoming closer, not even sharing affectionate
gestures until the relationship solidified half a year later. He wanted to do it right, to
establish our friendship and caring first. Life had hurt him, too. Only in recent years had he turned his life to God and been given a new start and purpose. We experienced a rare connection on many levels.
God knew what I needed in giving me this friendship. This man helped me. Through his kindness and care I found my inner womanhood I had lost
so long before, who had felt so unloved and unwanted. His care was pure, deep, true. Yet, I couldn't go there completely. Even though he treated me well and was good to
me in a gentle way, I was the one who ended our relationship.
A fool or wise? It ended because of our church differences. I didn’t think it could work. I found myself being
pulled in two ways, my love and caring for him in one way, and my love and caring for my
church and its beliefs in the other way. I had promised myself to God, and I knew God's plan for me had to come first. Before the breakup I found myself debating our differences in my mind. Some of it was over biblical things like doctrine
and theology. This man was also pursuing God’s
direction in His church, it was leading him toward shepherd status. As I
thought it through, I believed it was best for him to have a woman by his side
who interpreted scripture the same as he did, someone with the same theological positions. I didn't know how deeply it would hurt me, how much I cared, nor how it would be like grief and sorrow in the aftermath.
Later
God showed me that when He is in something He makes a way. And that I could find a home in a liturgical
church and be at peace. But, I was short-sighted at the time, worrying about
losing certain ways of worship found in my church’s approach and delivery. In
time, God used this to open my eyes to the central truths about scripture and
to see the universal Church in a new light.
He showed me many other things through my intentional reading and times
of prayer. I grew from this experience in many ways. It broadened my understanding in rich and amazing ways. I opened a new door and walked through. This would not have happened without my lost friendship. I saw something I had missed out on in my past spiritual teachings and experiences. But that is another story.
What had seemed right at the time, took a turn the other
way.
The man who had grown to mean so much to me chose to let my friendship
go. What I had done seemed like a form of betrayal. It was then that I realized that in my
honesty I had been misunderstood. But, the damage was done, the relationship
irretrievable, and it was over between us. No longer would this friend be a part of my
life nor would we have contact. Not in a million years had I thought that I
would lose this friendship. I hadn’t expected this result. I had believed we would be
friends for life regardless of the status of our relationship.
The door was shut. It became
clear to me in the months to follow, that my love for him ran deep. I realized
that I could judge him, but what good would that do? What he had done for me in being a part of my life though only temporarily, far surpassed anything else, trumped the closed door. I
wanted this friendship to renew. I wanted
his forgiveness most of all. I wrote him and shared my thoughts, tried to explain. In the next few months, I saw him a couple of
times, and I asked his forgiveness. I felt my feelings stir and collide. And, I understood that my heart was not free.
What do you do with that type of sorrow, the regret? You can’t ignore it. You can’t give into it when it feels like a
dark shadow following you around making your days sad and lonely. You have to do something or go crazy. I realized I was in a state of grieving. In time I surrendered it all to God and trusted Him
to help me. I prayed often and fervently.
And, I turned to my writing to help assuage the hurt.
Because of this sorrow I found myself at the Lookout. I made a commitment to one-hour weekly visits to its overlook during
my second visit to Lookout Point in Paradise,
California. These would be one-hour visits. I would observe, think, pray, and seek God,
writing my thoughts throughout the process.
In turn, He would minister to me.
My love of nature with its sense of wonder would propel this forward
into a thing of beauty. It soon became the best hour of my week. I'd sit there or walk by the railing, thinking and praying. Soon thoughts would begin to form and I'd write them out in long-hand in a spiral notebook. It was hard to squeeze the time in but I made myself do it. I asked God to speak to me. He did. He gave me many wonderful considerations. In a form of consolation, He spoke to my inner brokenness and need.
A few months into
it I reread my journal entries. I typed out a few for a friend whose husband
was suffering with cancer and sent them off via email. Later, I decided to compile them into book
form, thinking they could help people. My heart’s desire was that the writings
would show the way to intimacy with God.
I find God to be very real and extremely caring.
Comments received:
“I tried to get through your book quickly and learned it is like eating
too much of a rich desert. So I slowed down and read a few pages at a time
giving myself time to meditate upon your words. Indeed they are rich and deep.
I can see many books in your future. You encourage me more than I can say. . . The
Reflective Prayer was a "speak to the heart" prayer. What I like
about it is it can fit any occasion. . . The depth, tone, and richness of the
words moved me deeply.”
L., writer
“My Mom picked (your book) up first and it is really ministering to her
heart. Every time she puts it down to go to bed she comes to me, crying and
saying, this book is so good." She loves how you look at God and I believe
it is really encouraging her with this walk in life with Dad (he has Alzheimer’s).
It has been hard so thank you for being used by God.”
C.,
missionary
“I read you book and I was so blessed. It was amazing! I so enjoyed
your sincere intimate walk with God and sharing daily struggles and listening
to our Father, being faithful to trust him.
Since I have not read an entire book in many years (I read so much at work)
this is my testimony of how special your book is. I usually start reading and
am asleep in minutes, but I could not stop reading your book. God Bless you for
sharing your faith in this beautiful way. . . I will be sharing with my family and
friends.”
K.,
insurance agent
“I have just
started your book. I am in Awe. I am already convinced you met
God and listened to HIM. You have touched my heart greatly as I read your
message and God’s message. Your writing is amazing. You capture me
with each day. You bring tears to my eyes as I read your pain. Your
truths are God’s Word. I know with all my heart this book came because you have
gone through the fire. I will read this book slowly and I will allow God to
speak to me.”
K., hostess
“What a
wonderful writer, you are!!! Your book is not one you can just
sit down and read. The kind I love! in the spiritual, as well as,
statistical. I think I've read all of Malcolm Gladwell's books, The
Tipping Point, Outliers, Blink, etc. That's why I've always been drawn to
Christian authors like C. S. Lewis. You can't just "sit down and
read any of his books" . . . Your book is one of great depth and vision;
such detail and so personal. . .I had my friend read aloud while I was driving,
she said, ‘what is this, who is this? I want one!’ so I will
get her one and some of my other friends, too. . . You have a wonderful way of
seeing God in nature and loving it enough to explain it, giving a sense of
vision to the reader.”
C.,
real estate agent
“Nice review by Dan Barnett of your book in
the Chico E-R (newspaper) yesterday! I am reading it and it is
blessing me so much.” K.,
radio personality
